Thread: Angel of Bohemia

Halo melting into her beret,
she stares at herself
under absinthe eyelids.

Two days straight,
she danced like a gypsy dervish;
for two days without break
candles melted behind her.

A chanteuse singing with movement
and only whimsy to guide her,
we might have tried to interrupt
but why would anyone bother?

More than firm breasts
fair waist or hair draped
across a shoulder blade
glistening with sweat;
more than any of that
it was her pursed lips
full of silent intensity,
and eyes relaxed in that heavy way
that could lead one to believe
only a single thing with certainty;

with every step in key
she dreamt her beauty
as she slept.

You do the painting well justice. Both are beautiful expressions. I love your ending, so powerful how it complements her in the painting...

I am afraid I cannot offer an constructive critique on this, as every time I start reading through it, it encapsulates me so, that I forget that I am trying to critique. This is written very well, and (It took me an hour to remember this #$%^%$# word!) due to its ineffable nature, I am somewhat lacking. It is very easy to get caught up in her dance, watching the movements as if I were there. Again, very well done.



T

I'm confused. I consider myself somewhat weak in critiquing poems. I mean I haven't read a book but I have gone to poetry forums before and I have an interest in poetry somewhat. Let me tell you that using such difficult words is a bad thing in poetry. I think you should use simpler words. I've read this advice before, and I remember my first serious poem was full of them, and then I also remember someone commenting that it was not good by in an obnoxious way. Surrealism is guilty of that sin, if you use too many hard words you risk losing the reader. This is my advice to you.

On the contrary namesake, I really enjoy the language in this poem. I also understood almost every word, except for chantuese. After reading the definition it really enhanced the poem for me, and I got to learn a new word. Personally, I like my mind being stimulated when I read poetry and I think that edgewise is being very conservative with his extensive vocabulary. The words a poet uses are targeted toward an audience. Obviously this poem is targeted to an educated group of people who can appreciate fine art and scripture.

Edge,

I enjoyed this poem a lot. The only critique I have is that the phrase "why would they bother" seems out of place and dulls the beauty. I feel like people don't bother to do something when they can't care less about it. I feel that the characters are not going to startle her because they are so enthralled by her. Great work edgewise, I always enjoy it.

They wouldn't bother because they wouldn't have had anything to offer.

Namesake, I do not in any way agree with your assessment. This piece does not rely on difficult language. It is pretty straightforward for the most part. I do understand the sentiment. Senselessly flowery prose for the sake of sounding smart can be very annoying and definitely lose you an audience.

Mission accomplished Tenebris .

You are both right about the intentions behind that line, Prisoner and Martin. Any suggestions to make it clear?

This is beautiful. I find it difficult to critique something I enjoyed that much, and it would be arrogant of me to assess your poetry, as I know nothing about it. Sorry this isn't very helpful, I just wanted to say I enjoyed it very much

P.S. No offence Namesake, but none of the words in this were difficult at all, in my opinion.

They had a lovely flow as well, almost like they were made of liquid or something. An odd sensation. . .but a joy to read.

This has made me want to try and write poetry, so thank you

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Halo melting into her beret,
she stares inward
behind absinthe eyelids.

Two days straight, she danced,
like a gypsy dervish;
for two days without break
as candles melted behind her.

A chanteuse singing with through movement
and only whimsy to guide her,
we might have tried to interrupt
but why would anyone bother?

More than firm breasts
fair waist, or hair draped
across a shoulder blade
glistening with sweat;
more than any of that
it was her pursed lips
full of silent intensity,
and eyes relaxed, in that heavy, way
that which could lead one to believe
only a single thing with certainty;

with every step in key
she dreamt her beauty
as she slept.

The poem falls a little flat for me in that it lacks some of the sensuality of the image. You can take this or leave it, Edge, but I think it a case of less is more. It's right to use something of the passive voice in this, as you have, but no too much. My toying with it is no more than a suggestion of how you might trim this to get more from it.

If paintings could speak, this one would utter your words. You've a marvelous talent for visual prompts, Edge, this is not the first time you've proven yourself quite adept at the task. Like T, I was swept away. You captured this lady's essence brilliantly, double kudos.

Halo melting into her beret,
she stares at herself
under absinthe eyelids.
^This isn't very strong to me. What color is the beret? "Stares at" seems stiff. This short opening stanza feels like the birth of a thought; your vision of Mary Magdalena of the corner jazz cafe.

Two days straight,
she danced like a gypsy dervish;
^For two days, thenstead of straight added? Straight cuts into the line for me. As for the pairing of gypsy and dervish, I'm not sure if that's the traditional use of a gypsy dancer but I like it.

for two days without break
candles melted behind her.
^As the reader, I'm skirmishing for more details, naturally.

A chanteuse singing with movement
and only whimsy to guide her,
we might have tried to interrupt
but why would anyone bother?
^The perspective of "we" wasn't mentioned until this line, implying an audience. Not a crit, just a reminder for myself.

More than firm breasts
^I can't tell if this was meant to be artfully approached or if you're just speaking your mind on her physique in a plain-spoken way.
fair waist or hair draped
^a mental note to choose one?
across a shoulder blade
^Kind of a cliche.
glistening with sweat;
more than any of that
it was her pursed lips
full of silent intensity,
and eyes relaxed in that heavy way
that could lead one to believe
only a single thing with certainty;

with every step in key
she dreamt her beauty
as she slept.
^Dancing in the reflection of dreamwater. This could be metaphorical for a beautiful nun whose sexual desires reveal themselves in her dreams, but since she's a servant of god who has to remain a virgin, she dreams of being free and going wild, like a gypsy dancer who can feel her warm breasts gyrating against the possibilities of unwritten fantasies - for a man to come and stroke her spine and tend to her holy divinity. (and so on and so forth)

An interesting poem. I think you've been making strides in experimentation and developing your own voice - moving away from the vocal machinae that used to sometimes reside in your wordsmanship.

Keep doing you

Check this out & enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj_VJ...eature=related

I very much enjoyed the images here, Edge. A beautiful poem, that compliments a beautiful painting.

I am humbled by your response Bruno. I will keep an eye out for a poem with your name on it.

Vulgar, that song is fu*king great. Plus the sample weirdly complements the painting. Don't know if that was your intent.

EDIT: Removed the second draft.

The word I used was "sensuality", Edge. I still feel that's lacking; not because it isn't there but because there are lines in there that dampen it. I can only call it as I see it. I'm a visual artist before I'm a writer so maybe I look at it differently to you. I would suggest that you take a good look at that image and really reach for the feeling it evokes. Then go through the poem and strike any line that brings that down. Recreate the poem using only what you have left. Of course you're free to take this or leave it. It's your poem, at the end of the day.

I still enjoyed the first. The added details don't necessarily add to the piece, just as eliminating words and combing lines does not increase the flow. The simplicity is what gave the words their beauty, as the reader was forced to fill in those little portions, to imagine the dance rather than have it detailed for them. Moreover, the short lines seemed to emphasize the"dervish" quality, spinning like a top , with almost sporadic stops and goes. Again, I see the original piece as being ineffably well written and I would ask you not change it so drastically, if at all.



T