Thread: Angel of Bohemia

Originally Posted by Tenebris

I still enjoyed the first. The added details don't necessarily add to the piece, just as eliminating words and combing lines does not increase the flow. The simplicity is what gave the words their beauty, as the reader was forced to fill in those little portions, to imagine the dance rather than have it detailed for them. Moreover, the short lines seemed to emphasize the"dervish" quality, spinning like a top , with almost sporadic stops and goes. Again, I see the original piece as being ineffably well written and I would ask you not change it so drastically, if at all.

T

I also prefer the first.

Originally Posted by Baron

The word I used was "sensuality", Edge. I still feel that's lacking; not because it isn't there but because there are lines in there that dampen it. I can only call it as I see it. I'm a visual artist before I'm a writer so maybe I look at it differently to you. I would suggest that you take a good look at that image and really reach for the feeling it evokes. Then go through the poem and strike any line that brings that down. Recreate the poem using only what you have left. Of course you're free to take this or leave it. It's your poem, at the end of the day.

I would not have written it any other way.

I loved the idea of "absinthe eyes" and the bulk of the imagery. And, though I get what Baron is saying, I think I disagree (respectfully, of course) because I see good poetry as a rather fragile thing and I always fear tampering with anything so nearly perfect. Without the image, I would have still pictured something like it, so it does the job quite well. If it lacks anything, it is that mysterious soul connection...what makes the work vital to you, and (we always hope) to the reader. That said, though, sometimes writing is more craft than window to the soul, and I think this is an excellent example of the former.

Dear Edge, I've read and commented on your work for a few years now. I have noticed the more delicate tones of your writing lately, and I like it very much. I hesitate to critique because you are such a wonderful writer. (but I will) This poem has a great potential. You described, bascically, just what we see, with some imagined thought as to what may be behind her eyes. To me, the poem lies a little still. The painting has so much motion and mystery, and Edge, the sky is the limit. You are the interpreter, and you did set a scenario in this I would love to see more imagery, imagination. In her dream, did that golden halo melt to red (yes it did look like a beret) because she sinned, was she flaming so high that she melted eveerything around her. The poem should whirl and swirl. "two days without a break" "why would anyone bother" is an invasion of the essence, to me. Too common. Forget about reporting, and let her dream run wild.

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