Thread: Such a Season as This

This fresh Fall's wind
slaps my face.
A reminder;
its death I must rake.
Imagine a demise
as disguised life.
Leaves, heart shaped,
lily pad greens;
ochre squash,
burnt orange chili,
crimson lipstick.

Lipstick script
I left on your face
a week before
the weakness began;
when you left,
leaving behind a single sock.

As brittle as a wafer,
a host,
I bag up the finish of the trees,
which now bend,
naked, shamed
waiting for winter’s cover.

And during, enduring
this
transformation,
I wonder
if by Springtime
you'll
return.

Oh, do.

And I’ll tell you
I raked up
the shape
of your heart
not that long ago.

Laurie Foster Palmer
Copyright 20011

Ooooh, Laurie, this is so sad. Which crunched louder, your heart or the leaves? You captured the colors brilliantly. (get it?) Single sock has a great deal of impact, loved the duality of host as well as S2 in entirety. Starting S3 with oh do worked really well for me, but you know exactly what I would have told the turd.

A few minor nits. Fall has no cap, I would prefer slaps me in the face, but that's just me, double it's in L3, typo in wafer, no cap in springtime. The last three lines of S2 need some rearranging. May I suggest:

And during enduring (nix the commas)
this transformation,
I wonder
if you'll return by springtime. Just a suggestion, you may hate it.

I enjoyed this tremendously, Laurie, it's a perfect piece for an autumn afternoon.

I can do little more than reiterate what Lisa said. Loved the fall colours. Fall's my favourite season, and I find it an inherently sombre time so I thought it went great with the theme of a lost relationship. Great work, Laurie .
-cae

Thank you both Lisa and cae: My dear Lisa, you were afraid I'd loose my "verse writing chops" after my story which gives so much hope. So did my best to present Fall, as cae - you say:

I find it an inherently sombre time

I would like anyone's opinion as the wheather or not I was being too vague in couple of instances:

This fresh fall
slaps me in the face.

I wanted the reader to read the first line as the beginning of "Lovely seasonal piece" i.e. fresh fall. Then to discover that only "someone/personification" would be "fresh" enough to slap someone in the face. I'm wondering if this was too vague?

The poem is sad. The breaking up during this "somber" season. The ending I wrote to bring the reader to a sharpe turn, giving the woman strength and integrety.The happy part!

The swift turn, meant to surprise:

I wonder
if you’ll return by springtime?

The woman nearly debased, then...the immediate turn:

Oh, do.
And I’ll tell you
I raked up
the shape
of your heart
not that long ago.

Lisa, I took your "on spot" suggestions. And cae, thank you so much for being a constant encourager of my work.

Umm, Lisa, I didn't get?!

You captured the colors brilliantly. (get it?)

Brilliantly both ways, Laurie, love, as in genius and hues. Crap, I got fresh and slap and just forgot to mention it, the noise level here distracts me. So very clever, that one. I perceived the rest of the piece as you intended, so cease your worry, keep this up and you'll wind up with furrows. Please take out the second it's in L3. And for the record, I never thought your foray into prose would result in the loss of your poetic chops, I just goaded you a little because I missed reading your work here.

And I was just kidd'n round with you. You and I both know I'd never pass up the dark and/or contemplative. And no worries from me! Just questions anyone would ask, wanting to improve their work. I'll re-think the "it's."

Thanks!

The way you wrote this and what you wrote in it struck me really hard. It just reminded me of something that really hurts me. I didn't get very far, I'll come back later to r&r
p.s I like it so far.

Wow, cool. It gets off to kind of a slow start with the following:

This fresh Fall
slaps me in the face.
Its death I must rake.
Imagine a demise
as disguised life.

That doesn't seem to belong to the rest of the poem, but then if you take it away the poem doesn't make sense. Probably just change it a little...? "Its death I must rake" seems kinda awkward, but again--I know you can't remove it entirely because it's a sort of keystone to the rest.

The remainder of the poem is very enjoyable with its subtle references that build an image of poised and patient longing.

Prisoner, I'm glad that this poem reached you. Take all your time getting back to it.

Scarlette, Very pleased you enjoyed most of the poem and that you appreciated the subtle.

Thanks to you both. Laurie