Thread: Forever Young

No meter has been applied to this, but I believe if you read it aloud you should be able to catch the rhythm fairly well.



Lies in a World of the Forever Young

He just wants to be comforted, feel better for who he is,
To know that, at the end of the day, what little he has, is his.
Instead he hears laughter every time that his back is turned.
And he feels the heat where malicious eyes have burned.
Reminding him of the transgressions of the father he never knew;
Turning to ashes the belief that, in his heart, even he has virtue.

We are bound by lies, in a world of the forever young,
Drinking in the darkness of the empty songs sung.
Somehow it is better to believe, in this austere madness,
That somewhere there truly is beauty and happiness,
And despite that harsh emptiness that we all seem to feel,
Sometimes it is better to believe in things that may not be real.

She did not ask for the fate that had been given to her,
And she could not stop what had no remedy or cure.
Yet, in the end, she took the pain, day after day in stride.
Believing in some things that may have long ago died.
It told her that maybe, in the end; she would not suffer so,
And to believe in that chance was all that she needed to know.

We are bound by lies, in a world of the forever cynical,
Deeming truth can only be found in the scientific or political.
But, somewhere it gives us reason, in a world so tyrannical,
To believe in something not bound by man or the mechanical.
So, we throw away our tools, and try to find truth in the stars,
By believing in something that brings relief instead of scars.

He just wants his freedom to be better tomorrow than today,
To wake up with the sun, relishing in each golden ray,
Instead of walking out his door to the gloomy ennui,
Proving that he is only as perfect as others see him to be.
But he believes that our perfections are only skin-deep;
His belief having changed nothing ere he finds eternal sleep.

We are bound by lies, in a world of the forever grey,
Believing only in what is fact at the end of the day.
But, sometimes it fills our hearts so, on this dark planet,
To believe that, somehow, our lives do not end with granite.
And in spite of the hopelessness that steals our breath,
Sometimes, it does not matter, if hope ends in death.



T

amazing.
It's beautiful.
I'm glad I earned enough respect for you through reading my poems, that I read this before closing the tabs.
I loved ever note, mind you one: that is

The meaning, the phases, the spaces and stage.

Congradualatison fo profitable work.

God Bless. and good night

Repent, and read this http://www.writingforums.com/how-you...ml#post1386906

T - Whenever I come across a piece of work which I find has lyrical merit, I always read it out loud and so I did in this instance. The subtle rhyming was pleasing to my ear. And then reading again, hearing your voice echoing mine, as I too write about the human condition, caused me to bond with your poem which brought me to that place where I sometimes live; needing to believe that my fantasies, lies (let’s face it) keep me a float in a world out of our control. So, I quote:

And despite that harsh emptiness that we all seem to feel,
Sometimes it is better to believe in things that may not be real.

This line reached me. Stellar!

Drinking in the darkness of the empty songs sung.

Anxious to hear more. Laurie

Arc-Thank you for the positive feedback, I am glad I have earned at least a little respect.

SM, hmm, that could be interpreted poorly. Eh, Silver...that will do.Sorry. Anyway, I am glad to hear you take the initiative in reading things aloud. It was just me being antsy about people reading it is all . Sometime we all need to lie to ourselves just a little.



T

Oh, T. Please clarify. What part of my review? L-

SM, hmm, that could be interpreted poorly

A great deal of truth can found amongst these finely written lines. I have to echo Laurie regarding the lines she cited and also add these as my personal favorites:

"So, we throw away our tools, and try to find truth in the stars,
By believing in something that brings relief instead of scars."

I was surprised to learn that you did not apply meter here, it certainly flows along extremely well. May I borrow your finely tuned ear sometime? I've grown weary of ending up like this . Normally, I find caps every line a bothersome distraction, but in this instance not only did they not distract, they enhanced somehow. The only thing that caused me to pause was the rhyme of her/cure, otherwise, this is some fine work, and, I, too, await your future offerings with bated breath.

Best,
Lisa

Laurie, I guess it is, yes, well, that was in response to myself calling you SM. *Whispers* Sadomasochism! With all of the "Men are dogs and giddy lions" going around I was worried. Pay it no mind, I just was trying to find out what to call you. Silver works just as well

And, you I am not suppose to call CD...hmm. And I cannot for the life of me remember your actual name. So, Miss Daughter, thank you for the kind review. That rhyme never occured to me as being out of place, but I can certainly see what you mean. The capitalization, I suppose stems from reading older poetry that tends to do so more often than not. Call me a hypocrite, because I never notice when I do it, but I will call others out for it. And anything that I can do to be of assistance, just let me know.



T



P.S. Yes, I just noticed you wrote "Lisa" at the bottom...and I am supposed to be observational as a poet...blech. In my defense I thought that it started with an "L."

Lol, glad to see you've a sense of humor. The rhyme is not horrible, but it calls a bit of attention to itself as the others are perfectly matched. Caps every line is old school, but I happen to like old school, as long as it's done with finesse as this piece is. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Oh, and T, I will eventually use your offer of assistance, probably sooner than you imagine. Now, be a kind soul and post us some more.

Best,
LISA (Just in case your vision is as poor as your memory)

3rd stanza last line "And to believe in that chance was all that she needed to know." The second that is unnecessary and hinders the flow. Also the planet/granite rhyme threw me, personally. It took a third glance threw for me to understand it. Planet/sandstone still slant rhyme and the meaning is more clear. The entire fourth stanza makes me very happy, I love the intensity and how easy you made the rhymes connect. The only thing, and I hate to mention it because i hate to see it go, is that truth and political do not belong in the same sentence, less they are antonyms. Good work, I will keep my eye out for more of your work.

PoP-I think you have a point with the "that," but I will have to set it aside and read it later, because now it reads awkward no matter what I do. As far as planet/granite, I am not certain why sandstone is more clear. Granite is in reference to gravestones, which I realize can be sandstone as well, but I do not generally think of them as being such. And truth/political...hehe, yeah, that was exactly what I was after . Thank you for your input, it is much appreciated.



T

Laurie, I guess it is, yes, well, that was in response to myself calling you SM. *Whispers* Sadomasochism! With all of the "Men are dogs and giddy lions" going around I was worried. Pay it no mind, I just was trying to find out what to call you. Silver works just as well

Ha! SM might certainly ring loudly for those who are interested in that sort of engagement. Feel free to call me Laurie or L-, Silver, SM (doesn't really bother me. Just don't spell out your interpretation!) When I pm a bud, I often sign off with Namaste ~" with no name. Or Namaste ~ Laurie. Sometimes no sign off. I'm a woman of many moods and names...

L- or....

This is a decent lyric. Annnnd.... well, I can't really think of much to add to what has already been said. To me there seems to be a suggestion of a story--there are characters, at least--and it would be a more satisfying read for me personally if the characters and their relationships to each other, or to the subject, were made more clear. (Does that make sense..?) The rhyming is very good, some of it's quite clever. Again I feel there's a sort of vagueness about point and direction of the words you've assembled here that keeps me from being able to feel anything about them, except that they seem to represent an implacable bitterness that distresses me and makes me wish I could fix the person who wrote them a cup of tea. (Don't take that as a slam; I've read this lyric a few times today and couldn't think of anything constructive to say at first except that I liked it and it reminded me of Eminem. I figured that wouldn't be good enough for you, I had to think of something else!)

So anyway, it's obvious that some effort and skill went into this song, and I appreciate your sharing it.

Oh, I understand now. For some reason my dark mind went more earthy when I was reading it. I thought you were going for a "back to the earth" type thing. Now that I know you r intent I agree with you that granite works best. Although sandstone is nice imagery for me, I must add it to a poem or two.