display your banner here

Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: "What is best for man."

  1. #1
    Scribe michaelcthompson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Posts
    60

    "What is best for man."

    COPYRIGHT 2010 Michael C. Thompson

    _______

    what's done is done
    as easy as made
    like pencil to paper
    writes words to erase
    a story is finished
    'fore even it starts
    an ending is written
    in all of men's hearts
    a whisper unheeded
    advice left to rot
    what is best for man
    men can know not
    the gods try to beckon
    some to the call heed
    Death is not what man wants
    but it is what man needs.
    "I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy, any day." - Morrissey

    My Worthy of Publishing portfolio, featuring samples of some of my my work.

  2. #2
    Poetry Moderator Chester's Daughter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Queens, New York
    Posts
    2,425
    Another delicious read. Would have preferred punctuation, but again, it's your baby. The slant rhyme of made/erase is a bit of a stretch, especially since the others are so exact, but otherwise I really liked this. Love those last two lines. Well done.

    Best,
    Lisa

  3. #3
    Scribe michaelcthompson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Posts
    60
    I took the line from the Oracle of Delphi, who claimed to issue this very statement from the mind of the sun god Apollo himself!
    "I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy, any day." - Morrissey

    My Worthy of Publishing portfolio, featuring samples of some of my my work.

  4. #4
    Scribe PrisonerOfPrey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    /insert witty remark
    Posts
    68
    I enjoyed it, as well as the message. However, I think the last two lines could use a tweaking.

    Death is not what man wants
    but it is what man needs. <---- this doesn't flow as well as the rest. What if you used a "just" instead of an "is"

    Death is not what man wants
    but it's just what man needs.
    Now I lay me down to sleep/
    With every passing thought I weep/
    Lead me into nights dark bliss/
    And let me wake in innocence.
    -Me

  5. #5
    Scribe michaelcthompson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Posts
    60
    Thanks for the input, I like the way my version sounds better however.
    "I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy, any day." - Morrissey

    My Worthy of Publishing portfolio, featuring samples of some of my my work.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •