Thread: You cannot see clearly with the sun in your eyes

You cannot see clearly with the sun in your eyes-
the heat on your face acts to paralyse
the quibbling doubts that drop like spitting rain-
a lifetime without you would drive me insane.

I sometimes wish that we could leave this treadmill,
of things coming and going, leaving and betraying,
yet I know I'll be the one left at my window-sill,
when I cannot see your sunlight for the pouring rain.

I suspect that we could last forever, just like the sun,
as it circles our world, faithful, as one.
You, too, brought a promise of your light,
and your human skin, an inexplicable glow
that I might deem to be matchless, when you are to go.

I will long for love's flaming sun, ablazing in my eyes,
and your wondrous hand on mine-
for I fear the sun will cease to shine-
when you are to go.

This is a wonderful piece, chez. My favorite lines in particular being : "I suspect that we could last forever, just like the sun." and "a lifetime without you would drive me insane." I wasn't fond of how the rhyme scheme changed from stanza to stanza though, I think a more concrete rhyme scheme could have benefited this piece. The line "the quibbling doubts that drop like spitting rain" seemed a little long for that spot, in my opinion ... I was thinking it would maybe read a bit better as "the quibbling doubts, which drop like rain". I also thought the line "when I cannot see your sunlight for the pouring rain" may have been a bit more effective as something along the lines of "when I cannot see your sunlight through the pouring rain." Same kind of issues with "as it circles our world, faithful, at one", I think the at may have been more effective as an "as".

Great piece of work, it really made me smile! I look forward to reading more of your stuff