Thread: Behinder I Get

This time,
when I looked behind,
the warmth of Summers' shadow
had stretched across
spent meadows,
not long past their seed.
Autumn is encouraged

to approach until
the weary wink
of suns' last twinkle
found me
in between what was
and what will be.
Winter becomes anxious,

but I'm not
ready
to challenge time
or chase the wind

today.

reading this I sense the fading Autumn and the intrusionof Winter......well written , liked it alot....thanks!

I like your poem very much. You show us a mood, the coming of winter, and the happiness of the seasons before that you are not willing to release yet. However, you are speaking in the present tense, this time, today. So just a couple of changes would help. Very nice poem. my best , apple

This time,
when I looked behind,

look behind

the warmth of Summers' shadow
had stretched across

stretches

spent meadows,
not long past their seed.
Autumn is encouraged

to approach until
the weary wink
of suns' last twinkle
found me

find me

in between what was
and what will be.
Winter becomes anxious,

but I'm not
ready
to challenge time
or chase the wind

today.

Thanks to both of you...appreciate the comments.
I am just popping in right now, but will consider the changes
you suggested, Apple. Looks like good advice.
~WsKr~

I've been expecting some Autumn pieces on here, and this one I really liked a lot. It has a spiritual feeling to it, and doesn't nor shouldn't translate into a concrete image but rather leave the reader hanging there, as in a transition like Autumn is often thought of.

In line 3 I think you should make it "Summer's", to imply the narrator is merely looking back on the passing Summer and not several years.

In line 10 it should either be "sun's" or "twinkles"

I think Sondra's (Apple's) suggestion of making it all present is a very good one.

Now, sorry if I'm messing too much with your piece, but I will also suggest omitting line 6 and actually also the final four, as I feel they don't contribute in any essential way. Then the piece would read:


Behinder I Get

This time,
when I look behind,
the warmth of Summer's shadow
stretches across
spent meadows;
Autumn is encouraged

to approach until
the weary wink
of suns' last twinkles
find me
in between what was
and what will be.
Winter becomes anxious,

but I'm not.




I know cutting the ending is quite a radical surgery, but right from my first read just after you posted it, the ending didn't sit well with me...

None the less, a much enjoyed read, excellent line breaks and "spent meadows" was brilliantly put...

Martin

Hmmmmmm...thank you, Martin.
Originally, when I began this piece I was thinking of my life.
I am fast approaching a half century...therefore, spring is out of the picture here.
Behind, summer is fading...I've had all my children (past my "seed).
Autumn here (where I am now) represents an adult life where (hopefully) wisdom and experience have been established
And, of course, time seems to spin faster at each waking moment, therefore Winter (or perhaps my "golden years") are trying to move in quickly.
Thanks to all for your time and advice.
~Kim~

I didn't catch that relation. None the less it is a lovely work of the seasons.

Thanks for sharing,
Martin