Thread: My Untitled (and very first) Poem

Poem? Its not really poetic, more really short story-esque.

I have never written anything before, and I am looking for some feedback on my first piece. All feedback is fair game. Feel free to be as cruel as necessary.

Thanks!!

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On a block where mostly dreary people live,
A cheery old couple live in a 2 story cottage
With vines and irises. Rows of irises.
A manicured lawn leads to the deck where
The odd couple have their wicker chairs
The cottage, with a rainbow hung on the pink door,
Is a special cottage. This cottage is home to no children.

A large bay window sheds light into their beautiful dining room.
As I walk by, straining to look inside
Catching a glimpse of their dining room chandelier
Leaving me running for breath! And their dining room table, ah!
It is a shame, I think, for
A dining room to be wasted.
And, today there are flowers strewn over the room
It is not a craft room! Oh, I should scorn them next time we chat.

Turning my head, I see him there
There on his wicker chair, sitting on their deck
I wave with my good neighbor smile
He gives a lifeless wave, no smile

Something about the look on his face

The irises! What an intolerable man!
They have lost their color, why would he not water them?

I swear! His yard has an unusual pall over it
He is not so cheery, his flowers not so lively
The vines seem to droop.

I smile and turn home

Heya, Jordan. Welcome to WF. Liked the poem. I'm kind of left wondering what the moral was, though. Why did the protagonist smile as he/she turned home? There wasn't much conflict to the story, and without conflict, the reader won't be captured very well. The protagonist simply walked by the house and observed it.

Just some thoughts that occurred to me.
-cae

I kind of have this sense like whole story hovers around the fact that the protagonist smiles and is almost turned down by this old man. I kind of like the simplicity of that, how there's not really a whole conflict/resolution to it. I get the feeling that this hangs between being a short story and a poem... and my suggestion, if any, would be to pick one direction that you want it to go in. If the direction is a short story; build a little more on the story line and the conflict/resolution (however small that may be) like caelum said. However, if you're going for a poem; I would say focus a little more on the readability and the flow of your lines. Meaning, maybe throw a couple of rhymes or "almost rhymes" in, watch the syllables and how the lines play together. Overall, however, I think this was a great first attempt Jordan; and I think you have wicked potential!! Welcome to the forum, and thank you so much for sharing your piece with us

Jordan, this has great potential either for a poem or a short story. It is very visual and rich and emotional. To me it has great mystery about it. The imagination that just looking through windows evoke. Wonderful. You use the words "cheery couple" and you act as if you know them or have spoken to them "I should scorn them next time we chat" but in the end I really dont know if that is true or not. I got the feeling that perhaps the wife had died, flowers strewn about, etc. his lifelessness in juxtposition to the cheery . There is a lot going on in this poem. It is wordy and could be phrased more succinctly for poetic form. I have to think about how to help you a little here, so I'll be back.

apple

"A cheery old couple live in a 2 story cottage" - I would change 2 to two. That is a whole lot of fun to say.

"With vines and irises. Rows of irises." - Really like this line.

"The odd couple have their wicker chairs" - Did you mean to use the word "odd" here or is it a mistake. Either way it is fine.

"Is a special cottage. This cottage is home to no children." - This line causes me to pause. Something about it seems off.

"Catching a glimpse of their dining room chandelier
Leaving me running for breath!" - Is there something missing between these two lines, because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me the way it is written. Also I would drop the exclamation point, but that's me.

"It is a shame, I think, for
A dining room to be wasted." - A shared sentiment and a fine line. I especially like that you threw in the "I think" bit.

"It is not a craft room!" - Think about dropping this.

"Turning my head, I see him there
There on his wicker chair, sitting on their deck" - When I read this there is a wonderful rhythm to it that is very pleasing.

"Something about the look on his face" - I'm not sure this needs to be its own line.

"The vines seem to droop." - I would be tempted to throw an "and" at the beginning of this line but that is for you to decide.

This is an amazing poem you have written here. It is your first. If I were on the scrap I might call you a liar. Honestly, you can ignore all my advice and I will still think this a great poem. The story is wonderful and I like the extra lines you threw in here and there. I'm not sure what else to say. I read this many times.

Cae, thank you for the feedback. I agree, there isn't much contention. I will develop that over the next couple of weeks. I'm getting help before I get in too deep.

Thank you Gore. I am still debating between a short story or a poem. I feel like it would be easier to do a short story, but that it might be better if it were a poem.

Apple, Thank you, and I am excited to see what you have to say the second time around.

Whitaker, I didn't even notice the 2. Bad habit. Thank you for the feedback on the different lines, and I will take that with me. I promise this is the first piece. I have been working on it for a bit now and the idea for it has been stewing in my head for a while now. I definitely didn't just write it in 5 minutes... more like 3 weeks.

Revision to maybe come soon.

Thank you all again!

Welcome, Jordan, you've got a knack. You've already received some excellent advice and I agree with cae regarding the ending, although I interpreted it as I saw fit. It is a bit too prosaic in places, yet quite poetic in others. Many of the lines have an awesome aural quality which I simply adore, and that 2 definitely needs to go, as do the caps every line. Otherwise, I really liked this and with a few tweaks you've got yourself a great little poem. Fantastic first effort.

Best,
Lisa