Thread: Catching a Glimpse

Lost at sea the waters lash,
froth and spit invade my eyes;
squinting through the fog and rain,
all I see are beaten skies.

Doubt redoubling kick by kick
settles like a leaden clasp;
how to do a thing forgot:
justify my every gasp.

Tell me there’s a purpose here,
help me know what beauty hides.
As if answered, off I see,
one marauding wave subside.

Brilliant, unbelievable!
Shines the light upon its crest;
yellow warmth supernal burns,
and my troubled spirit rests.

Then, as sudden, waters shift,
clouds impend with denser pour;
gone is yonder warming light,
pillared spark on figment shore.

But rekindled are my veins,
and the seas are not so black,
that I know a promise waits;
will to brave is coming back.

So I'll tooth and claw this sea,
waves to nothing anymore.
Till the day I grace your fire,
pillared spark on figment shore!

~~~~

This is pretty experimental. I was trying to paint a picture of a guy swimming for his life, really running out of hope, when he catches a glimpse of a light. I don't know how well it came across, some of the lines I'm on the fence over. As always, all feedback appreciated.
-cae

I think that shifting your PoV to third person would bring this poem a long way. Looking upon struggles from an outside PoV often helps to connect the reader better in poems such as this. This is largely a personal preference, but it is something I have taken to doing in certain poems, especially those that invite a greater description of events of the speaker of the poem. It is sometimes odd to read from first person and get detailed descriptions of what is happening, as people do not generally look at themselves in this way.For instance:

Lost at see the waters lash
Froth and spit invade his eyes
Squinting through the fog and rain
All he sees are beaten skies

There are a few lines in the poem that I was edgy about as well, and could do with being reworked, but overall the piece is very well written and does not suffer for these lines overmuch. The only other thing I would add is what I find myself reiterating a great deal, and that is making use of punctuation to increase readability.



T

Thanks, Tenebris. Third-person is something I never even considered. I'll have to think about that, first-person I find more immersive. I've considered punctuating poems more thoroughly, and that's something I'll also think about. My technique right now is adding marks only where they're absolutely necessary, or where they add to the meaning like the colon in the second stanza.

Cae - you know better than anyone , that at this time, I’m not one to give guidance relating to the mechanics such as Tenebris brought to your attention.

I will say the atmosphere of the poem is elegant, eloquent. Note: I avoided your notation at the bottom of the poem. Sometimes, I find myself being the romantic, so I fancy the speaker’s voice as being a male struggling to reach his point of light, the woman. One simple interpretation.

Though you could be referring to reaching out of the depths of a “dampened” spirit, despite the odds, wanting to claim the earth as your own with new and hopeful perspective.

My favorite, powerful line:

So I'll tooth and claw this sea

Very much enjoyed! Laurie

Greetings and salutations, Meter Man. I loved the imagery in this. I have no preference as to first or third person, it reads well either way. I think it would benefit from proper punctuation, you know the rule, it's none or all. I'm pausing longer than necessary where I want commas to be, but if they were there I wouldn't hitch, the lack of them is bumping up the flow a bit, at least for me. Nix the caps every line, Cae, they are disrupting the flow also. In the first line, is Lost at see, intentional, I rather like the duality if that's what you wanted. See (no light, blind) vs. sea. Works either way. I found nothing blatantly wrong with any of the lines, which ones are iffy to you? Truly enjoyed this love, and the language is simply lovely.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks, Laurie, glad you liked it. I wanted it to be literal and also figurative. He's out there in the ocean swimming for his life, it's rainy, wet, cold, and miserable, but he spots this light and knows there's land out there. It's also figurative in the way that life can be sh***y but you have to believe you're working towards something.

Heya, Lisa, thanks for all the tips. Yeah, I'm starting to come over to your guys' side of the fence on the punctuation. I'll go and add some. And the caps, yeah, lol, that's been a habit of mine forever. I'll get rid of 'em. And no, the "see" was not intentional at all, totally slipped my mind. Good catch, I'll go and change it.

One line I was iffy over was that last one. Part of me thought it was just lazy to repeat a line I'd already used, but I really felt like it represented what was driving him, the glimpse of that "pillared spark" (a lighthouse). And "gone is yonder warming light", is that too much rhyme in there? I had a different version of the line without "gone is yonder". Rekindled veins I'm not totally feeling. And "spit", I used that word because it makes the water more malevolent, but it also jars the reader out of the ocean image.

Thanks a lot y'all,
-cae

It's a beautiful piece. Inspiring. Silver Moon is right, it is elegant. The flow is perfect and I did feel the reaching and striving toward an end, but not a life or death physical struggle. To me it seemed a more inward struggle toward light and life. i loved it. Sondra

Thanks, Apple . Really glad it struck you that way, and I appreciate the kind remarks. That's the way it makes me feel and those were the emotions I was trying to capture.

Thanks for your thoughts, Drew. I try to use straightforward language so that it flows easy and light for the reader, nothing too vague or mysterious going on. Just my style. And I'm not crazy about that yonder line, either.

Cae, love, you took out all of the caps, replace those at the beginning of sentences, pretty please. Okay, I like "gone is yonder warming light", it sounds pretty and no, the assonance is not too much. Keep in mind I'm a weirdo, though. The repetition of "pillared spark on distant shore" does not jar, at least not to me, but I happen to be particularly partial to that line, I think it's beautiful. As for spit, I liked that, too. It didn't pull me out, it made the image more vivid. When people are being smashed in the face by water they blow out of their mouths, in effect spitting, so that was the picture I got, but maybe that's not what you intended. So everything you find iffy, I like. Leave it be, says she with a whip in her hand.

Best,
Lisa