Thread: The Smallest Saviour

With wing of silver
and heart of gold
and heart of gold
the Hummingbird
picks a spider out of its web
to release a fly,
fastened,
destined to die
beneath a blue sky, sad,
wanting to abet.

Hi,

Really nice piece, and really well put together. The only thing that I didn't like was the last word: abet. Apart from that it was perfec

I Dew, thanks for your take and suggestions. The blue sky seducing the fly is an interesting thought I'll pay mind to.

Semteks, glad you enjoyed the piece. I'll also take "abet" into consideration.

Thanks, you both. Laurie

I love the way you played with the (for lack of better wording on my part) chain reaction of the humming bird pulling the spider from it's web, in turn releasing the fly. That's a lovely concept.
I also really liked the fact that this poem was short, and to the point. I think that really helped set the mood and the visual aspect of your piece. When I read it, I instantly had this image in my head of exactly what was going on; and it was beautiful. I felt warmed and humbled by this piece... I really enjoyed it Laurie.

Thank you, gore-exx. Truth be told, it is a fact that the Humming bird will try detour the spider in order to set insects free from the web. I thought I would turn this altruizm into a poetic expression.

Funny, this is the shortest poem I've ever written, trying to capture succinctly an image to set in people's minds. I'm glad that it reached yours. Usually, my poems are very lengthly so this is sort of a debut poem for me.

"I'm" honored that you enjoyed. Laurie

PS I'm a HUGE Edward Gorey fan. Own about ten of his books and a fat biography on him. I even own a rare pop-up book. We should talk!

I too, like the clear image here Laurie. I happen to be a hummingbird watcher and they are an interesting little package.

They are fascinating. Saw a cluster of them round a feeder in North Carolina recently. Those wings. The speed of light! Thanks, Cindy

PS You'll hear more about them in my next story installment!

Haha, nice idea, Laurie. Hummingbirds are intense. I read somewhere that, versus body mass, hummingbirds take more calories than any other creature to survive. The wings just take that much power. Awesome critters.
-cae

Great work!

The last two lines, for me, don't do as much for me. I'm not going to lie, I had to look up "abet".

I really like the title. If you wanted to add to the poem, I would consider a bible reference (unless you made one, I've never read the bible).

Laurie, I thought this piece quite a strange entry and seemingly out of context, until you explained this act actually takes place. I tried to look it up but couldn't find anything about it. It seems most bizarre to me, if I were the bird, certainly I would pick and eat both! If you can relate how you know this, I'd be delighted as I find the idea intriguing...

Some word suggestions: I'm sure you used "pulls" and "out of its" to imply the non-killing act, though I would still find "picks" more natural and "from its" sounding better! Then I would change "fastened" to "stuck".

Then I'd like to comment on the personalisation of the animals. You got three in there, but only the hummingbird really gets described as a character both with adjectives and by action. Instead, with more subtle descriptions of each, I think you would capture nature better in its essence. Besides, in such a strange fairytale-like context, I'd really like to know if the spider is evil or just looking out for itself. Also to contrast it with the hummingbird! Btw, is it the fly that's sad? I took it for the hummingbird. Speaking of the fly, you do give it a destiny, which seemed a little overrated given this is supposedly meant to resemble nature... just some thoughts on an interesting piece, yet I found it a little incomplete...

cae - they eat every 20 minutes! Yes. Those wings that you can barely see (fluttering so fastly) expend so much energy. Glad you liked. If you're following my short about Char, this poem opens the next installment which I'm posting today in Fiction. Thanks, Laurie

Martin -

I were the bird, certainly I would pick and eat both! If you can relate how you know this, I'd be delighted as I find the idea intriguing...

Yes. Common sense would have it. But the nature of our creatures "are" complex.
My souce, I believe was from Wiki.

"picks" more natural and "from its" sounding better!

Consider it done. Right on spot! And thanks for such thourough cover, Martin.

Jordon - no problem with looking up a word. I've had to on several ocassions. Ha! There was this one poem; every line, a word for me to explore. Come to find out the poem made absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Thank you all, Laurie

I enjoyed the poem. It was visual and had a nice concept, but the last line confused me. If you read it in one sentence 'wITH WINGS OF SILVER AND HEART OF GOLD, THE HUMMINGBIRD PICKS A SPIDER OUT OF ITS WEB TO RELEASE A FLY, FASTENED, DESTINED TO DIE BENEATH A BLUE SKY, SAD, WANTING TO ABET. Was the hummingbird sad or the sky? Or was it the fly that was sad and wanting to abet? That line doesn't read well for me. Maybe a little something to clarify.

Also HUMMINGBIRD is one word unless you meant it intentionally. And (very nitty) an apostrophe IT'S WEB. Otherwise Laurie, the whole idea was beautiful, perhaps a real or imagined intention of the tiny little bird.

my best Sondra

Thanks, Sondra, for your comments.

Was the hummingbird sad or the sky?

The sky was sad because it wanted to "abet" meaning wanting to encourage, help.
But was too far away. I could have implied this. So the sky was sad.

The Hummingbird was acting true to it's nature. Imagine even a bird with compassion. But there may be more to it. He wanted to release the fly (any insect caught in the web they want to release)

Otherwise, glad you liked the whole of it.

But the funny thing is this: I'm posting in Fiction "Owning a Glorious Moon", posted part three today. About a woman raised in a staid environment trying to find herself in a small town. The point. I had "her" write this poem. Since she's not a poet I did not mind it being a bit amaturish at all. On a lark I copied it over here, expecting a only a couple of replies.

So Char, my lead character, is better than she was meant to be. Now, I might have to go back and mess up the poem a bit! After all this great input, pretty ironic! No I'll leave it just as it is, improved. The reader will now know that there's even more to her than meets the eye.

Thanks, again, Sondra! Laurie

This concept is truly beautiful, Laurie. Really nice first "shortie". Is the repetition of heart of gold intentional? No cap in hummingbird, love. Like Sondra, the last two lines confused me for a moment, not sure how to fix that though. This piece compliments Char's story very nicely, the poet in you just had to have her say in a prose piece, bravo, I say. I enjoyed this.

Very original poem.That it lacks depth without pity for the insect (or spider) or envy of the hummingbird is what holds it together. It's like a door that can be opened by the reader only by identifying with his basic instincts of hunger and effort, flavored with the intensity of freedom and ironic dread. You are very close to kitsch but the whimsical subject matter gives the reader the liberty to feel as shallowly or deeply as he wishes. (This is my main strategy).

"Love and art do not embrace what is beautiful but what is made beautiful by this embrace." -- Karl Kraus