Thread: Small things

Were we once God?
This thing might have once been us.
Perhaps it was and we were not.

This little thing:
I suppose it's flammable,
but what good could its fire bring?

Me, it can't trust.
I would rather stub my toe
than grieve over a piece of dust.

Perhaps I will
make a garden for the speck
and see if it tries to rebel.

Alternate third stanza :

It is no friend.
I would rather stub my toe
than to grieve because of its end.

I really like the third stanza the way it is (not the alternate).

Me too, the third stanza was the best part of the poem...

The first stanza for me really stands out. Perhaps we are are god? Or there is a God in mutual dialogue with us?
Is that contained in the last stanza?

Perhaps I will
make a garden for the speck
and see if it tries to rebel.

I think the alternative 3rd stanza

It is no friend.
I would rather stub my toe
than to grieve because of its end.

would better read

It is no friend.
I would rather stub my toe
than grieve of its end.

or

It is no friend.
I would rather stub my toe
than grieve because of its end

Made me think, thank you!

Chris

Jordan and terrib - thank you. I like to have a surprise at the end of my poem, so I wasn't sure when I was going to give away what the "little thing" was. I think I pulled it off, as people seem to enjoy it.

chrislewis - Wow, I wrote it completely oblivious to that interpretation. I like it though, because I think the concept of a god comes from us, as a sort of animism, or a projection of ourselves. The line's original intent was "this [dust speck] was once us, maybe."

Yes, your stanzas are better, but I think that just goes to show that the original should be left. I had a count going on the syllables, and it has a very subtle effect. 4-7-8. Yours would be 4-7-5 or 4-7-7. I was trying to write free verse, and I don't know if this should count because of the rhymes and meter, however abnormal.

I am an over thinker to begin with and you blew a few gaskets in my head with this little gem. However in the world did you come up with this? No matter, bless you for doing so. Very deep stuff here, I prefer the existing S3, in fact I adore both S3 and S4. She flows fine as free verse, I don't think you need to concern yourself with counts this time around. There's a period after flammable you need to nix or replace with a comma. Thoroughly enjoyed, and you'll be getting an invoice for those gaskets.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you Lisa! To answer your question - I wanted to try to write a poem that represented my raw thought processes. Rather than devoting myself to the form of the poem, which I would do later, I wanted to devote my energies to the experience. I was trying to represent the otherness insight often seems to have, so I used strategies I once rejected, such as writing mostly about the aesthetic and how I thought about it, rather than telling a story. I felt the uncertainty each stanza has due to its odd meter represented the precariousness of understanding. The most whimsical line about stubbing my toe is not used to run counter to the emotion of the poem in the way I usually prefer, but is instead used to illustrate one of the main emotions.