Thread: Vendetta Against Your Kiss

Vendetta Against Your Kiss
I absorb the string of words, all of which they say,
I am rendered numb by their emotions;
and it's like a tidal wave.
But the bottom line is; that I feel so alone...
and the point which I must make, is that this is not my home.
So why has fate cast me out into the cold?
And why was I abandoned, before I had grown old?
I, too, feel the sun upon my skin;
and I, too, fear the memories from the places I have been.
I know what it feels like, to have the rain upon one's brow,
for I spent many a night wondering, and contemplating how.
How I was to salvage the remnants of my soul?
Or if I could reclaim, from me, the pieces which they stole.
Though I aspire to fill a hole in the map of all reality,
to occupy a space, it seems, which lacks my sense of fantasy;
And it, would be lost without I
and I would be empty without it.
And the world would beg me to write in tongues,
through my unbridled sense of wit.
However, my words fall mute it seems;
upon the brains of the chosen ones who live vicariously.
I whisper; my love is as loud as a freight train,
and I have a vendetta against your kiss.
When I look into your eyes, I wonder
how it ended up like this?
For I see the error of your way,
and it's splayed between our bed sheets;
it happens every day.
I abhor this crooked joy, and I hate this morbid bliss;
but for years I've been a slave to my vendetta against your kiss.

Well this is exciting, this is the second time I have had reason to post this link today. AUE: Thou, Thee, and Archaic Grammar

In case you are wondering, it is for your use of "hath" in the 7th line. Hath is the equivalent to "has" for singular third person present tense. Needless to say, doesn't really work here. It is also the only place I notice you made use of Early Modern English in your poem, so it sticks out.

On to more important things that do not serve my ego...

This poem is filled with excellent imagery and strong lines of well-written poetry. However, I see how two or three individual poems could be derived from this one piece. It seems as though the idea of the title is really only visited towards the end. The beginning and middle of the poem could be reworked to stand alone entirely. You do very well with rhythm throughout most of the piece, but I think you should split up a few lines, especially those that are plagued by commas. This is free verse, and I little creative composition would emphasize many of your lines without making it feel so structured. Moreover, some of your verbosity could be reined in, which I realize I have little if no room to remark upon. As far as being verbose, I am Lord and Master. However, I noticed a few places where you have a dozen words to say what three could do just as well. Most of this is your style, so I would not expect you to change it unless you are simply wanting to try out something a little different, as the end result may not be acceptable to your own aesthetic tastes.

Overall, it is a very active poem that is worth more than a few reads. It is filled with poetic language that is inspiring, at the least. I look forward to reading more of your work.



T

Your poem is very romantic, I like it. When I'm numb, I don't want to be, and when I am not, I want to be. I think I am a little numb right now and I wish it would go away.

I was a little thrown with the "vendetta" word but I think I can kind of make sense of it if I think of a couple having a silly fight over who loves who "more."

Tenebris - I was not aware hath translates to has, I actually thought it translated to "had". Thank you for correcting me, I'll fix that part right away! To be honest, structured free verse (as ironic as that sounds, I'm sure you know what I mean)... is kind of my signature style of writing. You'll notice most of my pieces are like that... really, it's just a personal preference. However, I would like to try dabbling a bit with other different styles; just to try it out.

chicagnosticjew - thank you for the lovely compliments. The word vendetta throws you because it is meant to, it was something that even I had to contemplate the meaning of for a while.

First, I would like to say that I am elated you've joined us, you have talent, my dear, and I find your distinct style quite pleasing. Second, I like showing up after Tenebris, he says in a paragraph what would take me a novel to convey, and then still poorly. I agree with T across the board. As to wordiness, I've been beaten over the head more times than I'd like to admit, yet still I rambled on. Still do sometimes. While this piece could do with a trim here and there, I did not feel overwhelmed by sea of unnecessary words. You handle rhyme well, that in itself is an important ability to have in your coffer, some find it unattainable. Working with rhyme is very restrictive, yet you seem right at home with it. Kudos. There is an old world feel to your pieces and you slant toward the dark, now that, I love. Was a time, all I wrote was dark, bordering on depravity, actually. Okay, I'm rambling, damn wordiness follows me everywhere. I enjoyed this piece immensely, you have talent and you have all the raw materials you need rattling around in your sweet head, with just a little tweaking, you're destined for great things.You've a natural flair, hon, and that's not something I get to say too often. Please continue to share your work with us, I am truly looking forward to more.

Best,
Lisa

Wow, thank you for the incredible compliments Lisa. I am truly flattered, and ecstatic that you enjoy my work. What you said about having an "old world feel" and "slanting toward the dark" is very true... that has always been my stylistic goal for my writing, and I am quite pleased to hear that I've managed to convey that through my work. Again, thank you so much. You've truly made my evening with your lovely words xox

gore-xx, sorry to arrive so late but I've been a slave to a short story lately. Lisa's on spot by saying that you have a natural ability for writing very effective verse. As we know the ending, it's successful impact, is paramont to the fullness of a poem. So, with this said, your ending was superior.

I abhor this crooked joy, and I hate this morbid bliss;
but for years I've been a slave to my vendetta against your kiss.

The red. Pure delight. So inventive.

More! Laurie

Thank you very much Laurie