Thread: l'Ombre Noire

l'Ombre Noire
Let's watch the gnarled face as it swings on by,
to the melody of daunting whispers; and the words that they imply.
Resting promiscuously upon the lips,
of a driven-mad no one; and the impact of her kiss...
I saw,
what would later be referred to as the meaning of it all.
You know it must mean something, if it's carved into the skin,
of the same unsullied no one, and the walls of where she's been.
'You can never pay your debts with playing cards,' she said
because I most likely would have attempted it
to redeem the quality of my life, or the spot to which I fit.
So I dropped her like a burden, that's been put back in its place;
and I spat opinions in the eye of her gnarled, swinging face.

Let's touch the severed hand as it swings on by,
to the chorus of haunted voices; and the sentences they cry.
Dancing charismatically upon the finger tips,
of a hatchet wielding mad man; and the ignorance of his bliss…
I felt,
what would then be referred to as the playing cards I dealt.
And I knew that they meant something, from the hands that they were in,
because the hatchet wielding mad man was here to win again.
‘You can never beat the one who stands above you,’ he said
because he knew I had attempted it
to reveal the quality of his life, and his unbridled lack of wit.
So I tightened him like clock work, and left him there to stand;
on the grave that I had dug for him, with his severed hand.

Let’s adore the beating heart as it swings on by,
to the tune of lovers in the street; and the stories that they sigh.
Running rampantly across the veins,
of a less than gorgeous cousin; and the swelling of her brain...
I heard,
what would sooner be referred to as a tale of the absurd.
I said it must mean something, in the world of sicker things,
because the sick ones only know what the illness brings.
'Hair is meant to tie your head down', she said
because she knew my head was floating
high above the tourniquet and the phrases she was quoting.
So I sewed her quoting lips together as a start;
and I made her get down on those knees, to kiss her beating heart.

Let's abhor the luscious legs as they run on by,
to the beat of pounding pavement on her pallid upper thigh.
Stepping cautiously upon the name,
of a soiled reputation that I could easily attain...
I caught,
what had better be referred to as the secret she forgot.
And I knew that she meant something, from the swagger in her hips,
because the swagger only holds what the legs have missed.
'Faces were made to swing', she said
because she knew my soul was hurting
from the prospect of her gnarled face, lasciviously flirting.
So I paid my debt in playing cards, and tied her head back down;
I beat the one who stood above me, and never turned around.

Ooooh, I like this heaps, but font, font, font, this blind bitch had a hard time. I was too busy enjoying to register nits, lovely language, some serious imagery, rhymes that actually work. Kudos. Will revisit when not so tired, welcome, gore, somehow I believe this is the beginning of a very interesting relationship. Interesting always has my vote. Nicely done, love.

Best,
Lisa and if you call me CD I'll plague your dreams making all nightmares. lol.

Nice to meet you Lisa, my name is Meghan; and I'll definitely remember not to call you CD I changed the font just for you, now that you mention it the old one was quite small lol. Thank you so much for the lovely compliments, and the great welcome.

For the most part I agree with...Lisa...(I really want to call her/you Chest...but that might be bad). I end to enjoy poetry with longer lines, which is really what this is as most lines flow into each other as if they were connected. Fabulous, no worries. My issue arises because not all of your lines do this so well, and become choppy and awkward as if they should have ended a few words ago. The best way I can think to fix this is to make your poem syllabic. But, I am a stickler for meter and such, so don't take my work for it (Reading Rainbow!).

This area I think can be fixed by altering the syntax in the second line, but I think that your quotes are also causing some damage and may need reworked.

"'You can never pay your debts with playing cards,' she said
because I most likely would have attempted it
to redeem the quality of my life, or the spot to which I fit."

This is one that sticks out to me as needing revision, especially the first line of the three:

"‘You can never beat the one who stands above you,’ he said
because he knew I had attempted it
to reveal the quality of his life, and his unbridled lack of wit."

Just a couple of examples to let you know what I am talking about. I am somewhat picky when it comes to rhythm, which is why I am a fan of fixed poetry more often than not. Hopefully another distinguished member of this forum will stop by to confirm or deny my mad allegations.



T

Thanks for your views Tenebris. I myself am actually quite fond of breaking up the flowing and steady rhythm of a piece with longer, almost but not quite out of place lines. However, my goal isn't to make the piece awkward to the tongue. Does it read awkward for you, or do you just have a preference to syllabic poetry? Also, what about the quotes do you think are causing damage?

Ok. What you have here is a compilation of some f*cking excellent lines that come in twos. That is this poems strength and its weakness. The strength is in the smoothness of the couplets, the forceful, occasionally brutal, imagery, and the attitude ("Let's"...one third invitation, one third suggestion, one third invocation). There is also a hipness to the piece that I can't quite put my finger on, but which tangibly contributes to the atmosphere. The weakness is the fact that there is, imo, not much to glue these great lines together. You are telling a tale, but the narrative does not cohere very well. There is also the issue of length. Are all of these lines essential to the piece? By removing any two lines, will the reader lack something in order to fundamentally comprehend the whole?

A thought, might reflect my personal preferences, but you might also be interested: I think some of these lines could frame an entirely separate piece. For example:

Let’s adore the beating heart as it swings on by,
to the tune of lovers in the street; and the stories that they sigh.

There is an entire poem waiting to be written between those two alone. Another:

Let's watch the gnarled face as it swings on by,
to the melody of daunting whispers; and the words that they imply.

Another (among my favorites):

it must mean something, in the world of sicker things,
because the sick ones only know what the illness brings.

One more of many (in chunk form):

You know it must mean something, if it's carved into the skin,
of the same unsullied no one, and the walls of where she's been.
'You can never pay your debts with playing cards,' she said
because I most likely would have attempted it
to redeem the quality of my life, or the spot to which I fit.

Very enjoyable read, gore, flaws and all.

Thank you Edgewise! You know, I never even noticed; but you're right. The first two lines you posted up there "let's adore the beating heart as it swings on by etc" are a foundation for a separate piece. As for your issues with the length, all of the lines are not ESSENTIAL to the piece... but, they are all very close to my heart. Which is why I would honestly have trouble taking some of them out. However, I agree with you about the narrative not cohering very well. I have that problem with a lot of my writing, I have things to say and ways to express my ideas... however, sometimes they come out choppy in the whole... and although they read nicely and give nice imagery and meaning, as you said; there is a lack of "glue" so to speak. Any tips on correcting that in general?

Originally Posted by gore-xx

Thank you Edgewise! You know, I never even noticed; but you're right. The first two lines you posted up there "let's adore the beating heart as it swings on by etc" are a foundation for a separate piece. As for your issues with the length, all of the lines are not ESSENTIAL to the piece... but, they are all very close to my heart. Which is why I would honestly have trouble taking some of them out. However, I agree with you about the narrative not cohering very well. I have that problem with a lot of my writing, I have things to say and ways to express my ideas... however, sometimes they come out choppy in the whole... and although they read nicely and give nice imagery and meaning, as you said; there is a lack of "glue" so to speak. Any tips on correcting that in general?

I often struggle with abstraction. Connections that I hope the reader will draw sometimes become lost in translation. It's a different but similar complication. I try to counteract it by imagining myself as a reader who knows nothing about my intentions as an author. So, if you have a plot or theme in mind, pretend you are reading the piece for the first time and see if it comes across clearly in a way others will be able to grasp. That sort of thinking-outside-the-box excersice can be extremely difficult, or ineffective, given the attachment you as an author might have to a given piece, but it can do the job.

Another suggestion (and it may be obvious, or maybe not) is to have a solid, simple idea of what it is you are writing about. By which I mean know what you are going to be writing about, and then build the poem around that, even if you are, like me, fond of letting the piece write itself after nailing down its heart. If you have a particular story you wish to tell, than take care to always remember the synopsis of the plot.

I hope these made sense and were helpful.

excellent suggestions, thank you very much and I will try that with my next piece.

No problem.