Thread: Do I Know Who You Am?

A voice poses before a precipice
as a trickster would straddle Olympus,
mocking mortal murmurs uttered
under the touch of his influence.

I converse with folly far under my breath;
somehow it never breaks contact
yet always responds in silence.

The dialogue agrees with me,
constantly, as thoughts swerve,
climb and dive from sound
and sane all the way through
jolts of insight, back to basic lessons,
bitter rants, catchy phrases,
choice clichés, verbal obsessions.

Always quiet with a spare ear stretched to listen.

I imagine me with elbows on a table,
a knuckle under my chin and eyes
staring into space as I listen to you
as if I were not you keeping me company
out of boredom and pity.

But there's no humor lost
between you and me.

Thanks Drew. I will take that into account if others decide to comment on the piece. Aside from your issues with the alliteration, do you think the first two stanzas mesh with the last three?

My favorite part was actually the first stanza. I really loved how it kind of rhymed, but didn't quite rhyme (if that makes sense)... I use a lot of that in my writing, so I really liked seeing it from someone else. I was also quite fond of the title of this piece... great title!

The alliteration wasn't a problem for me, but I personally am quite fond of alliteration when it's used properly. The only line that I had a bit of a problem with was "I imagine me with elbows on a table," ... I just personally thought it would read better as "I imagine myself with elbows on a table", again though; I think that's my personal preference, and I can see what you were doing by using me instead of myself.

Love this, Edge, from start to finish. There is continuity between the first two and the last three, at least to me. That first stanza is to die for, grain of salt here, I'm a sucker for alliteration, but that coupled with the slant rhymes thrust me into sheer bliss. Kudos. Placing "always quiet..." to stand alone works extremely well, as does the final two lines. Elbows on table is a great image, yep, lovin' this, you never cease to amaze me.

I think I enjoy the alliteration, in fact, I am sure of it. It does not overwhelm the piece, except for the "s." However, this consonance works remarkably well throughout the poem, especially in regards to the title. "Do you know who I am?" And a constant whispered "ss, ss, ss" answers. He he, oh that is fun!

However, to be honest, I am not certain that I really "got it," which, for me, is like being tickled with a feather while being punched in the head. Hmm, I am not sure if that is really an effective simile. Oh well. Anyway, what really throws me off is S1L2: "as a trickster would straddle Olympus." "Trickster" immediately puts my mind on "Loki" and I am having trouble working around that. Since he has nothing to do with Olympus, I am summarily confused. The imagery and language is very effective, but I am not certain exactly what your theme is beyond, perhaps, trying to find out the "who?"



T

This is a really great poem. Don't change anything on my account, but I think I agree with iDrew in that it gets much better in the middle. Whatever you want to do with that is up to you. You might be tempted to stick the two first paragraphs on the end, which I was almost about to suggest anyway, but I really haven't thought this through. Maybe it's just good as is and I need to buck up.

I hit a wall in this one. I'll come back to it after some reflection and a 12 hour workday shortly.

In the meantime: YouTube - K Rino Grand Deception

What really stands out in this for me is:

I imagine me with elbows on a table,
a knuckle under my chin and eyes
staring into space as I listen to you

Originally Posted by gore-xx

My favorite part was actually the first stanza. I really loved how it kind of rhymed, but didn't quite rhyme (if that makes sense)... I use a lot of that in my writing, so I really liked seeing it from someone else. I was also quite fond of the title of this piece... great title!

The alliteration wasn't a problem for me, but I personally am quite fond of alliteration when it's used properly. The only line that I had a bit of a problem with was "I imagine me with elbows on a table," ... I just personally thought it would read better as "I imagine myself with elbows on a table", again though; I think that's my personal preference, and I can see what you were doing by using me instead of myself.

Yeah, the half-rhymes come in handy when a real rhyme would need to be stuffed into the rhythm. Keeps things fluid. Strictly speaking, "me" is grammatically incorrect, but it is important in the context of the piece.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Love this, Edge, from start to finish. There is continuity between the first two and the last three, at least to me. That first stanza is to die for, grain of salt here, I'm a sucker for alliteration, but that coupled with the slant rhymes thrust me into sheer bliss. Kudos. Placing "always quiet..." to stand alone works extremely well, as does the final two lines. Elbows on table is a great image, yep, lovin' this, you never cease to amaze me.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by Tenebris

I think I enjoy the alliteration, in fact, I am sure of it. It does not overwhelm the piece, except for the "s." However, this consonance works remarkably well throughout the poem, especially in regards to the title. "Do you know who I am?" And a constant whispered "ss, ss, ss" answers. He he, oh that is fun!

However, to be honest, I am not certain that I really "got it," which, for me, is like being tickled with a feather while being punched in the head. Hmm, I am not sure if that is really an effective simile. Oh well. Anyway, what really throws me off is S1L2: "as a trickster would straddle Olympus." "Trickster" immediately puts my mind on "Loki" and I am having trouble working around that. Since he has nothing to do with Olympus, I am summarily confused. The imagery and language is very effective, but I am not certain exactly what your theme is beyond, perhaps, trying to find out the "who?"
T

The Trickster was actually a common figure in many diverse myths, allegories and other assorted narratives. His role as a deceiver often results in humorous outcomes, arguably the most amusing (and ironic) of which is that the person being deceived never knows he is being tricked. In this piece, the Trickster is the figure addressed over the course of the narration, literally and thematically. Olympus refers to two things: the mythological abode of gods, including the Trickster, and the brain, also a place where various figures, such as Tricksters, rest as archetypes. The poem primarily references the latter theme. The former, mythological sense, actually belongs to the piece only by way of analogy.

The theme is the dialogue that takes place in ones head. It is actually extremely difficult to explain this in straight prose. There is "I", basically that audible voice you hear when you think "I am ___________" or "I will ____________" or "Today is a sunny day", etc.. There is also a "Me", which is essentially a reflection of the "I" in third person. And then there "You". "You" is an independent presence that listens to the words of "I", influencing the course of the discussion (such as it is) although it is apparently silent. "You" is the Trickster, and one of its many deceptions is its ability to appear as a separate entity when, obviously, it is simply another dimension of "I", occupying the same space in the same brain. The title alludes to the associated confusion of reference and perspective, and consequent psychological uncertainty for the narrator, by confusing proper grammar.

Originally Posted by chicagnosticjew

This is a really great poem. Don't change anything on my account, but I think I agree with iDrew in that it gets much better in the middle. Whatever you want to do with that is up to you. You might be tempted to stick the two first paragraphs on the end, which I was almost about to suggest anyway, but I really haven't thought this through. Maybe it's just good as is and I need to buck up.

To be honest I don't think moving the first two stanzas to the end is a good idea. Nonetheless, I appreciate the fact that you took the time to make a suggestion.

Originally Posted by Vulgar`

I hit a wall in this one. I'll come back to it after some reflection and a 12 hour workday shortly.

In the meantime: YouTube - K Rino Grand Deception

Looking forward to your take.

Originally Posted by iDrew

Edge, I don’t think that the first stanza meshes at all to be truthful. I think I’ve a real downer on it, not just with the alliteration but also it feels a touch lofty - above its station in relationship to the rest.

I would argue long and hard with myself about the second stanza, and if I’m honest, I think I would let it stand but look at ‘folly far’.


xDrew

I'm giving serious consideration to the idea of simply getting rid of the first stanza based on your suggestion and Tenebris' thoughts.

Originally Posted by semtecks

What really stands out in this for me is:

I imagine me with elbows on a table,
a knuckle under my chin and eyes
staring into space as I listen to you

Those lines are definitely among the few concrete images in the piece.