Thread: A Sharp Edged Spectre

A Sharp Edged Spectre

She took everything I own,
but when I do consider
If only she had asked, I
would have given it to her

I feel my guts now longing
to be in another place,
but they tarry, not yet torn
from my heathen humbled waist

I have borne this darkened pit
in my empty frontal lobe
I can see no bottom, plus
feel the distance of the globe

My heart drops to my stomach,
and then slowly my eyes shut,
but instead of escape, see
the one I love and lust

But wait.
Do I trust?
This one I sense to love and lust?
Her gentle bust could bust enough
to rust my rough, but no complaint, for
if she hurt me, reel the pain
A jab from her is better than
to await response in vain.

Ah, now this is fun. I enjoyed this poem a great deal, and read it a few times over for my own amusement, especially the final stanza. I love a play on words. I like how you made use of enjambments throughout the work, but I wonder why you chose not to end-stop the end of the stanzas? The line break is sufficient, of course, but I am still curious. It also seems as the the second line of the third stanza should be end-stopped, as the double enjambment makes it difficult to read and harder to understand as it is. With a stop, I think this would be easily fixed.

The final stanza was my favorite, and I would gleefully read "Her gentle bust could bust enough / to rust my rough" over and over again. The third line is a little bit awkward, and I would encourage you to give it a second look. Personally, I would repeat the second line within the full of the question and get rid of "I sense" so that it reads,

But wait.
Do I trust?
Do I trust this one to love and lust?

It makes for a nice internal rhyme to go along with the following lines. However, I am not certain if this will convey the meaning of the poem appropriately as it does change how the questions are read.

Finally, the sixth line of the final stanza seems as though it should have an end-stop, especially given the capitalization of the following line.



T