Thread: Dog Rhetoric

Stunted downsyndrome belief system
All your dreams are sick with leprosy
Burn your God because his words are dust
And all the mountains rattle with your grandad's bones
We'll never see home with eyes free of blood

are you implying that the person this poem is directed at has out of date moral standards?

It's an interesting poem, because it has a good rythm to it, however, the fith line feels oddly tacked on. The first four deal with dying/old thoughts, and calling the reader against them, which is usually a bloodless battlecry, and then suddenly it flips and sounds like it wants a plain revolution.

Otherwise, the assonance in the first line is a good way to open, and it ties itself together well for those first four. It would be interesting to see it grow longer, but it'd also make a good short shock if the last line tied it together better.

I believe Ivan meant consonance in relation to the repetition of the "s" sound, which, while present, I am not certain conveys any added meaning to the poem. This is to say, if you were writing about time, then "t" and "d" sounds would give the impression of the ticking clock a la Shakespeare's 12th Sonnet. However, as I glance through it again, I think I could say that something might be gleaned from it. Only other advice I would offer is to make certain you are using punctuation to increase readability and do not capitalize unless needed.



T

Hi guys,

Thanks for commenting. Writing poetry is quite new to me so I appreciate the helpful advice and encouragement

Mushin,

That's not what I intended for it to be about, but somehwere along the way that's what it seemed to become about.

Ivan,

Your pretty much spot on. I struggled to finish this poem and the last line doesnt gel when everything else indicates rot or decay blood is too, i dunno, obvious. I will wrack my brains for a better ending.

Tenebris,

Thanks for the crit I will take your word on board.

Thanks guys

Semtecks, I found this poem to be "seering" in the best sense of the word in context to your piece.

I found the first two lines particularly "hard hitting". We all know the opening must be the "grabber".

Stunted downsyndrome belief system
All your dreams are sick with leprosy

My only nit is that I'd like to read the ending as having equal strength as the first two lines. The the last line is equally important as the first.

All in all I thought this poem was "stellar". And you're new to writing? Just think we're you'll be in a month, the years to come. Keep writing. It would be criminal not to. Laurie