Thread: The Bad Side of Indifferent Dice

Chance swirls like dice
and we have faith
they will land
on the perfect side.

Good fortune is profound
(when) we have silver in our palm
to whisper hope and squeeze with pride
tattooing wishes on our skin;
we hide bad turns like storied scars
deflecting blame for foolish bets,
boast to cover up our shame
and exaggerate a win,
because luck is sublime
even when luck is grotesque.

At best you wait out another loss,
at worst forget about the last.

Yet (every time)
we stop to contemplate:
maybe gravity will act out right;
the atmosphere seems perfect;
tides can influence the dice.

As luck would have it either way
your ruin is the foundation of my house;
even if circumstance agrees,
the same game will knock it down.

Chance swirls like die

This line makes no sense to me. Do you mean like death, like dye, or the singular of dice? If it's the last then I think using "dice" would make it clearer.

Hmmm...Google says the plural of die is dice. Stupid mistake on my part. Thanks for pointing that out. Would you be so kind as to edit the title of this thread?

It's done. I believe that if you go to edit in advanced mode then you can edit the titles yourself.

News to me. Any other input to offer?

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Chance swirls like dice
and we have faith
they might land
on the perfect side. These lines read a little passive to me. Something like "faith to make the perfect throw" or "cast the perfect number" would work better imo.

Good fortune is profound I'd suggest changing either this "profound" or the one in the next stanza.
(when) we have silver in our palm
to whisper hope and squeeze with pride
tattooing wishes on our skin;
we hide bad turns like storied scars
deflecting blame for foolish bets,
boast to cover up our shame
and mythologize each win.

Laugh, all luck is profound.
Know all luck is grotesque.

At best you wait out another loss,
at worst forget about the last.

Yet (every time)
we stop to contemplate:
maybe the wind will act out right;
fate will not betray a steady hand;
chance would never pass me by.

As luck would have it either way
your ruin is the foundation of my house;
even if circumstance agrees,
the same game will knock it down.

A couple of suggestions for your consideration. A good read, Edge.

I agree with you first suggestion. Minor edit. Not so sure about the second. Do you think changing "might" to "will" would add force to S1?

"Will" would certainly be stronger.

Some critique for you my blackbearded friend. I'll try to cut out the unnecessary dribble (even though it was fun and you might've enjoyed it) in my feedback and just say what I'm really thinking. You seem to be to be a writer who takes comfortable solace in what he writes about. If good fortune is profound, you can't afford to pass by a profound chance to write something prominent. Meaning is paramount for you. If the last statement doesn't jab the reader with the butt stock of provocation firmly in the gut, the mission isn't complete. Since the last time I read anything from you I can say the structure of your poetry is still the same. An introduced subject, building blocks of language with warbled intricacies you meld in, passing sentimentality (or another appropriate medium of thought) towards the subject, and then you close out with a statement of truth, or an offering of reverberation. A reverb for nations.



The Bad Side of Indifferent Dice
^I like the title, first of all. It's layered - 6 sides that can be good or bad depending on what's on the table. The dice don't depend on you - they keep landing on misfortune's lawn with their own naked numerals, indifferent to who goes to Hades on a winged chariot and who cleans the stable for the night.

Chance swirls like dice
and we have faith
they might land
on the perfect side.

Good fortune is profound
(when) we have silver in our palm
to whisper hope and squeeze with pride
tattooing wishes on our skin;
we hide bad turns like storied scars I can't get to the pulp of this line. They are storied scars, tattoos, but tattoos being synonymous with gambling isn't fully explored here. I also notice in your poetry you have a habit of being the central narrator in the poem, and we know you are. You say "we" and refer to yourself as the leading voice, an architect's newscaster of sorts, trying to deliver forth psalms.
deflecting blame for foolish bets,
boast to cover up our shame
and mythologize each win. Hmmm.. mythologize may be too strong.

Laugh, all luck is sublime.
Know all luck is grotesque. A cluster apart from the rest?

At best you wait out another loss,
at worst forget about the last. In the moment they're numb. 'If you put bronze coins over the eyes of the dead, they might gamble in the afterlife.'

Yet (every time)
we stop to contemplate:
maybe the wind will act out right;
fate will not betray a steady hand;
chance would never pass me by. Just a critique of the word usage: Steady hand/pass me by are kind of cliche sayings. Accurate language trails nonetheless.

As luck would have it either way
your ruin is the foundation of my house; words from a landlord?
even if circumstance agrees,
the same game will knock it down
'like a house of cards' as the Zeitgeist documentary puts it.

This poem feels like it's condemning gambling - my immediate response. It also illustrates it with a beige brush. Not being too brash, giving examples, giving ample space for individual thought and reflection on the outcomes as they unilaterally reveal themself. I've never asked you this before, but I was wondering.. what do you do for a living?

Keep doing you

Edge, Your style of imagery gives supurb visuals. I don't think this important element has been addressed.

Good fortune is profound
(when) we have silver in our palm
to whisper hope and squeeze with pride
tattooing wishes on our skin;
we hide bad turns like storied scars I love "storied scars" brilliant.

I think you could create more eveness with a sprinking of more. Fab read! Laurie

Good to read you again Vulgar. Always been a top-notch e-critic in my book. I'll rethink that second stanza. Regarding narration, I know exactly what you mean when you point out the nature of "we". I used to use it often in a rhetorically charged sense (we the people). Today I use "we" as a simple way of referring to humans in general. You're right about the cliches. Ruin/Foundation: One persons loss means another persons gain. From a pile of bricks to a recognizable structure, and so on. I'll edit "mythologize." I'm currently unemployed. You'd better still be writing. Your stuff was always one of a kind. Thanks for your thoughts. Much appreciated.

I'll keep that advice in mind in Moon.

Moderately significant edits, taking into account all suggestions.

Life's a constant gamble. Thought provoking stuff.

I echo Jon. You've put certain thoughts of mine into words in a way I could have never managed. Absolutely adore S2 and storied scars (personal bias there) is to die for, I love it to bits. That one goes into the wish I would have written that file. Excellent work as always, Edge, lots to ponder.