Thread: An End to Summer - My First Sonnet

As summer crawls beneath an auburn sheet
and rests her weary head, the leaves begin
their brisk decline to crunch beneath my feet,
and winter moves his frigid baggage in.
The summer swallows flee their nests to find
a new abode their fickle home to build
and as I watch them soar I am resigned
to flit and fly from you and, thus, am chilled.
We spent a summer sheathed in the delight
of greedy love that flaw and fear devours
and tasting all our secrets did re-write
a history, not yours, not mine but ours
So as from summer now we are estranged
so you and I must part, by autumn changed

Any opinions on this would be much appreciated

Sadly, I'm no expert on sonnets but I loved this. Beautiful wording and imagery. As much as I could see the similarity between the ending of summer and the ending of the relationship it seemed a little too shallow but that's most likely because summer romances tend to be. I'm wondering if there is a more unexpected direction for the romance part of the poem to head toward?

In any case, I liked it very much.

Thanks Foxee, I think you're right about the shallow - spent too long on the Autumn image in first two stanzas to do the romance justice...it needs some work but as a first attempt I'm quite pleased with it

You should be!

I know that when I'm writing a short story my original idea seems good at first and then ends up getting revised, expanded, partially trashed, twisted around, sent through the wringer, briefly dribbled on a basketball court, and finally mostly rewritten into something quite a bit different (the rewriting can restore some freshness if it's been lost). It usually retains the kernel of the original idea even if I have to go through all that.

In this case I'd hate for you to lose the first four lines especially, those are really beautiful. I like the bit about the swallows, too, and the lines 'and tasting all our secrets did re-write / a history, not yours, not mine but ours'. You're starting out very well! As my design prof in college would say, "Now don't ruin it!"

I really liked the images in the first part, except in some places the metaphor cracked.

I agree with Foxee about the romance portion not being strong enough.


That said, it's a pretty good first attempt.

Thanks guys,

Have wanted to start writing for a while but this was my first experience of any kind of inspiration.

I'll work on it

A very warm welcome, Msweeble, your premiere piece is a clear indication that you are going to be a very valuable asset to this board. This is excellent work. To my embarrassment, I, too, am not well versed in the making of a sonnet, but from what I do know, I think you've adhered to form admirably. Both your language and imagery are superb. I think this is pretty damn near perfect as is. I, personally, have no need to know more about the romance, I know it's over, just like summer, and that's enough for me. Please take that with a grain of salt, though, even on my best days, I'm a few eggs short of a dozen. Whatever you do, please don't touch those first four lines, they're absolutely stellar and don't swap the swallows for something else, the comparison of both migrations work extremely well. Pleased you should be, this is an extraordinary first effort, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Kudos, love, I eagerly await your future offerings.

"As summer crawls" is a beautifully strong beginning, crawl is not a word one usually associates with Summer and makes the direction clear before Autumn has even been mentioned. The move from the general in the first quatrain to the particular in the second works well for me too, as does the change from soaring to flitting in the volta. The rhyming scheme and form seem appropriate to the subject. The final couplet with its repeated "So" seems weak, "As Winter from Summer we are estranged" would re-introduce the concept more clearly, and the parting in the last line could be made a little more definite and clear cut I feel. Overall a really impressive effort.

Bravo Msweeble! I too, am in love with those first four lines, just beautiful.

Ha, just so you know, I just read this poem out loud to my hubby and started tearing up by the end. Either I'm a big softie (very possible) or you did well evoking emotion.

His reaction to the poem? A very impressed, "Wow!"

*blushes* well that has absolutely just made my day.

Thank you

I am agawk my dear Msweeble. I too am not a sonnet lady (in the sense that I can't write them to save my life) but this is beautiful... and kinda sad. I'm very much looking forward to seeing what else you have!

I really like this. And for me it works all the way through.

Well done, indeed.

Love,

Firebird

Originally Posted by Msweeble

As summer crawls beneath an auburn sheet
and rests her weary head, the leaves begin
their brisk decline to crunch beneath my feet,
and winter moves his frigid baggage in.
The summer swallows flee their nests to find
a new abode their fickle home to build
and as I watch them soar I am resigned
to flit and fly from you and, thus, am chilled.
We spent a summer sheathed in the delight
of greedy love that flaw and fear devours
and tasting all our secrets did re-write
a history, not yours, not mine but ours
So as from summer now we are estranged
so you and I must part, by autumn changed

Any opinions on this would be much appreciated

At first I thought you were VeeBdosa as this is such a good piece of work but then I remembered his sonnets are on Lit.Org I enjoyed reading this very much. Thank you for posting

You did very well to stick to iambic pentameter, but I would encourage you not to be bound by it. You might read Pope's An Essay on Criticism, as I found it to be most helpful with meter. For now, however, you did an excellent job. Make certain that you use punctuation, as it is your best friend, especially in formal poetry. I became winded in several places while reading aloud do to seemingly unintentional enjambments. The first two-three lines are very well done, but the fourth makes the sentence spread out over the first stanza a run on. The pastoral nature of this sonnet is somewhat odd, as the two are not generally linked, but I enjoyed the transition into romance in the second stanza and the conclusive nature of the third. (Sorry, about the stanzas. I know you didn't split them, but it helps me to separate the poem). In the third stanza and couplet your trouble with language within this form is more apparent, as if you had trouble making your words fit, but you did well and such things can only be perfected through practice. Well done.



T