Thread: Amiss

FIIIIIIGAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoO

Oooh, I like it caelum, especially this stanza:

A different mold, a different clay
they set aside these bones
This flesh and heart and brains
I fear
will leave its cast alone

Hi, Cae. Like Cindy, I think the second stanza is especially outstanding. Your beat, rhyme is right on spot. Very much enjoyed! Laurie

There was something interesting about this piece, but I can't quite place it. Everytime I went to comment it kept drawing me back to read it over again. I love the idea behind it, and how it isn't forced. Seems very subtle. Whatever it was that pulled me in, I thoroughly enjoyed it, so you must have done something right.

FIIIIIIGAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoO

The title really helped this piece. I wouldn't mind seeing some commas in certain lines, particularly "I doubt and yes I tarry", which is really a nice line, but I stumble because of the natural pauses with no comma.

Thanks for the comment, Farror. Where do you stumble in that line? If you mean put commas around "and yes", I may agree.

Exactly there, yes.

I, too, read this a few times and the struggle and the will materialized more each time I read it. I could vizualize the character's demeanor and attitude. It is subtle. I like that. It left me knowing there will be a win. Well done, Apple

Don, the Meter Man, sheer perfection, love. I envy your ear. The abstraction works in your favor, makes the reader return to delve deeper. Your rhymes are natural and flow freely. I would say add the comma around "and yes", but since you're using commas, you really should add some periods. The rule with punctuation is usually all or nothing. BB put it plainly, there is something so intriguing about this piece, yet I can't put my finger on it either. I'll be returning to this one now and again. Wonderful work, love.