Thread: Forgive Me

Forgive me sir, but I must say
Your swift departure did dim my way
Leaving me in a bitter sway,
A frenzy of dark and lonely gray

Forgive me sir, but I shan’t tell
Your wife I’m sure wouldn't have taken it well!
And we shall forget about your fast farewell,
For I long to feel your body rise and swell

Forgive me sir, but I need you as mine
You promised, sir, when it was time
And I can think of no moment ever more fine
Then this for our bodies to intertwine

Forgive me sir, but I am captured
Entwined with yours, my soul enraptured
And your silly wife, that fiendish snatcher
Shall finally be put out to pasture

Forgive me sir, but it is done
For one look in your eyes and I knew I had won
And her spawn too of course – her lovely son
Oh we shall have children – we won’t be outdone!

Forgive me sir, but why do you cry?
Why are you shaking and quaking and I –
I don’t understand why you dare deny
I did it for us – they needed to die!

Forgive me sir, but why the knife?
You will follow them and take your own life?
You’ve always said how you hated your wife
I beg of you please, I cannot handle this strife!

Forgive me sir, but you will not fall -
I am nothing without you, nothing at all
Hand over the knife now, and end this brawl –
I am nothing without you, nothing at all.

Haha, this was a lot of fun, nowordforit. Flowed along very well and kept me very entertained. I take it the husband tried to stab her at the end? The only things I ccould say for advice are, your syllables don't match very well. When you have a set rhyming scheme, it's good to count your syllables and make sure they match according to the scheme. Like,

A - 8
B - 7
A - 8
B - 7

Making sure your syllables match will increase your chances of, but not guarantee, having good meter.

Another thing I would change personally is enclosing your "sir"s in commas, not just having one afterwards. It's a rule in normal writing to enclose addresses like that, but being that this is a poem you're perfectly in your rights to not do so.

A dark and dastardly tale, nowordforit! I enjoyed the telling.

I agree with caelum on the syllable count, it would make a smoother read and flow.

Oh, the things we do for love! A jolly fun read. I enjoyed it. You captured an era and atmosphere very well, and the "unfortunate" results of this lusty love a was few grisley murders and great romps in the hay. Good work. Apple

This is right up my alley, much enjoyed. I have to agree about your meter, definitely work on the syllable count, a few additions, omissions and/or swaps should even it out. But as caelum said, it won't guarantee perfection. That depends on stressed and unstressed syllables which isn't easy to master, take it from me, I know. There are a few other little nits not even worth mentioning because bottom line is, the piece is great fun. Thanks so much for sharing, and welcome, noword.

Best,
Lisa