Thread: Gimme Back My Baby

Wound down baby
whines for her bottle,
magnetic mouth
prying it
from blind fingertips
grateful for guidance.

A quick game
of red light green light
and her face glows again
as she steadily slurps sustenance
until sated
then begins to babble
in an alien language,
making commands I can't understand,
because this child is not mine.

Sitting another's offspring
is a tedious and trying thing,
can't wait to cradle and coddle my own
and accommodate accustomed coos.
Once my infant is safely back in my hands,
this contrary MacBook Pro brat
is yesterday's news.

the alliteration is a bit overwhelming.

slow it down a bit.

"red light green light, and her face glows again." i like the cadence there.

Having to use your son's computer again, eh? I know exactly what you mean, there's nothing that feels like your own baby under your fingertips. Enjoyed, Lisa.

I like the metaphor. Very cool.

My baby is no more, they won't be fixing her this time. Christmas holds the promise of rebirth, so sad am I. I miss her.

Dear Loki, The intense alliteration was intentional, especially in the penultimate line, that one is almost impossible to utter. The frustration of trying to read is supposed to mirror my frustration at trying to make this baby my own. Ain't happening. Elated you liked red light green light, wasn't sure about that.

Dear Cindy, I thought I'd be able to come back with happier news, but it's Matt's computer all the way. My baby is too far gone, she always was a lemon. Dislike this thing, too fancy, too many options, I just wanna read poetry, ugh.
She really is too much, and so temperamental, but she'll do in a pinch. Just want my basics back.

Dear Van, Very cool from you means a helluva lot. Thank you.

Thanks my lovelies, appreciate your valuable time.

All my best,
Lisa

I like this poem. I think it has a really strong middle stanza. The twist comes a little too early for me, so the third stanza tastes more cynical. I like the last, though, because I'm also of the thought about how people value their children above another's.

Three problem areas for me.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

greedily prying it

I don't think greedily is needed here. "magnetic mouth" already describes the gravitational pull, and i think without this word, it would speed up the reading. It would read with haste and relate the unspoken emotion.

is a tedious and trying thing,

and accommodate accustomed coos.

These two alliterations stood out to me. I think it shows a little too much intention on your part. My advice would be to take out "and trying" and "and accommodate." Trying and tedious are too similar of words, in my opinion. By taking out "accommodate," you leave room for the two-way interaction between parent and child. See how that reads to you.

Wow, neat metaphor on this one! I truly didn't see that coming until the end. I honestly kind of liked the extensive use of alliterations in this poem... I know there were a few people who weren't fond of them, but I liked the fact that it slowed the reading down. It really made me focus on what you were saying with the piece, and gave me time to contemplate and think about it.

I can also say that in just about any other circumstance, I probably wouldn't have been fond of "mac book pro" in a poem... but I must say that you executed that quite well and it really impressed me!

It's not fun using somebody else's laptop, is it. Good job, didn't see the end coming, and had to read it again afterwards

lol, wasn't expecting that . Nice, Lisa. Flowed great, lots of fun, nary a complaint from me although I tend to agree with the others on the alliteration.
-cae

Dear Mike, I removed greedily as you suggested for the sake of speed, excellent call, thank you. I won't change the alliterations, though. I agree tedious and trying are too similar, will look to swap one with something else, as soon as I wrote it the repetition red light started screaming, but it did doubly reflect my frustration at the moment. I know most of you find the alliteration overwhelming, but that's effect I want this piece to have, even if it leads to downright disgust. This is piece is as reader friendly as this stupid computer is Lisa friendly. God, how I hate this thing and I'm stuck with it until at least Christmas. Truly appreciate your input.


Dear Drew, I'm honored, love, iBaby, what a compliment. The alliterations are staying, please don't beat me bloody with your high heels, Mum.


Dear Gore, Danke a million times. So happy so liked the metaphor, I think a lot of people consider their computers their babies. I'm glad you don't hate the alliterations, slowing down things down is their exact purpose, I crawl using this thing, way too fancy. I feel like a first grader, I can't even get at half written works if my son isn't home and I refuse to learn any more than I have to, if I become too savvy, they won't get me a new one and I have to share this one with everyone. I'm glad MacBook Pro worked for you, I told myself I must be out of my mind to include such a tongue twister in a piece, then I realized if I were going to go for frustration, I might as well go whole hog. Thank you for your thoughts on this one.


Dear Semtecks, I'm a creature of habit, I hate deviation of any type, and my feathers are more than ruffled. Elated you were surprised at the twist, I do so love twists.


Dear Cae, Especially glad I "gotcha" also. I always take suggestions on board, even if I don't use them, I seriously consider them, as I did here. I was going to remove some of the words to make it an easier read, but I didn't want to lessen the impact of the frustration. I hope everyone understands why I am being so stubborn in this case, I really do hate this computer and it's made my favorite pastime much more difficult for me. I should like to light a ceremonial fire and throw it in once I'm done with it, but I doubt that will go over well with my son.


Thanks to all for your precious time and equally precious comments.

All my best,
Lisa

I'm late, I'm late for
A very important date.
I'm over-due, I'm in a rabbit stew.
hello, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

Lisa, please forgive me! But you know the whys. So, no rabbit stew? I know how you love to cook!

I adore surprises and in this piece you certainly provided a good one. I was certain that was your baby. Before I go any further I want to point out your smooth alliterations. I'm a sucker for them.

she steadily slurps sustenance
until sated

Suddendly cut and paste is pulling a magic trick on me.

Another...

"Can't wait to cradle and coddle my own"

You placed them far enough apart so nothing's "bunchy"

It's back...?

magnetic mouth

Brilliant! That made me sit up immediately.

While I'm not a mother, you certainly gave me a pretty strong glimpse of what it must feel like to be without your own especially while taking care of someone's elses' little one.

I so get your ending! Don't you worry. You'll get your very own! Laurie

Better late than never, Laurie, love. So happy you didn't hate the alliterations, even though you were supposed to. Must you always be so contrary? Also happy the twist was a surprise. Good news is, Matt installed some crap so I don't have to use stupid Word anymore, I hate Word, now I can write like I did on my computer, even if it took weeks for him to do it, I'm happier. Still want my own, though.

Big hugs,
Lisa