Thread: A Mournful Autumn

Hey this is my first poem on here. I wrote it about a year ago and I'm just typing from what I remember. .

Down descend the leaves of Autumn
Such a beautiful blend of orange and gold
The howling breeze matches my company
For the crippled heart and my bleeding soul

Standing amongst the trees, my love
Your hair untamed and windswept
Our eyes would meet that dire eve
I silently ponder, were my secrets kept?

I crept so close I could feel your skin
With you, no sorrow, simply no pain
You whispered a lullaby through the cloak of night
And vanished like tears in the rain

Falling to my knees, I curse these memories
To you, my love, most gorgeous of all
Your gravestone is so hauntingly peaceful
My tears taint the colors of Fall

I could not critique this poem. I am not skilled enough in the art of writing poetry to know if anything needs fine-tuning. To me this is an excellent poem. The only thing I can say is that it is deep, carries the same tone, and keeps the readers attention. Now could you please pass me the Kleenex box..... sniff sniff....

Thank you very much . My ex girlfriend told me that this was one of her favorite works of mine. I lost the original copy and I just remembered bits and pieces so it was mostly improvised.

I found this very direct and nice. Liked the sombre ending.
-cae

Indeed, the direction is easy to read, and that is actually no small feet to do without being boring.
You friend, have done well to steer quite clear of such a thing; my commendation.

I crept so close I could feel your skin

If one must pick a 'favourite' line. then this shall be it. Makes me feel at home.

Hi, Ke. I very much like how you marry human nature with nature. All very vibrant!

You whispered a lullaby through the cloak of night
And vanished like tears in the rain

Expertly managed and I'm partial to your similie "And vanished like tears in the rain"

One nit. In the first stanza, first line there's a redudency going on. "Down descend the leaves of Autumn" I might use "Descend the leaves of Autumn".

A great ending!

My tears taint the colors of Fall

Hope to read more! Laurie

Thank you all very much for the feedback. I truly appreciate it a lot . I'll be writing more very soon.

I like this a lot, Ke, it's a wonderful effort with a great ending. A few nits: no cap in autumn or fall nor at the beginning of every line, your meter is a bit bumpy, counting syllables can help you even it out, and crippled heart and bleeding soul are both a bit cliche, but in no way are deal breakers. Despite those little things, the piece is as haunting as her gravestone and has some really nice imagery. Loved both: "vanished like tears in the rain" and "My tears taint the color of fall." Nice dose of assonance in your title. Nicely done, Ke, I look forward to seeing more from you.

Best,
Lisa