Thread: I am One- revised

deleted for revision

I like the first one better, it feels stronger to me. I would suggest that you cut out the repetitions after the first one, or only leave the first one and the last one.

However, this is only my take on this. Others may see it differently.

I can't suggest anything else other than what Gumby has said but wanted to let you know I think it's a great and empowering poem.

I'd go version 1~ version yet released ~ version 2~ version 2.
I like em anyway.

Thanks. I don't know that I like either of the revisions as well as the original right now. But of the two revisions the first is my fav just for the last stanza because that is so me. But what is me doesn't generally apply.

I think version 1 is much stronger. Good poem.

Love,

Firebird

I'll second what the others are saying, 1 is better. Its just tighter and more concise. Unlike gumby I kinda like the repetition throughout, but it might be worth playing with.

Thanks. I really like the repetition myself. I think that it's such a short poem it can bear it. But I don't write a lot of poetry so I really don't know. I'm still fiddling with it.

I think that the overall meaning changed with the revisions. It's more of an I am woman hear me roar kind of poem. Which is fine, it works well like that. But that wasn't what I was going for in the beginning. I'm not sure if that's where I want it to be or not.

I like parts of each. Version one is light on imagery, I prefer L2 in the first three stanzas of version 2, but I definitely favor S4 of version 1, more powerful. I agree with Cindy that the repetition is a bit overkill in S2 and 3. First and last only would be best. The caps every line are distracting. For what it's worth, it does come across as a woman, hear me roar poem and I really like it. Nice work, Kat.

Best,
Lisa