Thread: Honey

When our eyes are locked tight as a jam jar seal-
though I fall into yours more like honey-
when I dwell in the haven of wherever we dwell together,
I find a smug stubborn guilt in what I feel

For the poets put forward their cliched ideal,
but theirs is shrouded in transcient images,
and you are just as real
as the image of you that I placed in the sky
with your effortless strength,
your jewellery box of smiles,
the warmth that I found in your eyes;
I sink into honey, when I look into your eyes.

The repetition of "eyes" at the end doesn't work for me. Some nice imagery apart from that.

I agree with Baron about the repetition at the end. The first line is a good change from cliché, but you need to watch your exact wording. For example, in the second I'm not sure if you mean that you fell into her gaze like honey falls (slowly) or if you intended it to be that you fell into her gaze and - like in honey - could not pull away/could not pull out.

The repetition in the third line echoes the problem of the repetition of 'eyes', so I would suggest one of the 'dwell's to be changed. I'm a little bit confused as to why you would find a smug-stubborn-guilt, and I think a line of explanation is needed.

It's a sweet, short poem with some minor problems, and I think a revision of it would benefit the piece greatly.