Thread: Casting Shadows

This morning I awoke with the sun
and felt the earth before you woke
Drifted through the blinds and glass
and found my soul within the grass.

I rustled softly through the treetops
brought the leaves back to your lawn
I lingered kindly round' your bedpost
To whisper to you the dawn.

I drowned your ground with softly sounds
and swept with wind around' and round'
I spread roots below the earth
and shed you beaming lights of mirth.

I hovered over hills afar-
and cast those shadows for you-
I will love you throughout each season
It's to you that I give these reasons.

Hello Emily

I really dig how the narrator seems to be spiritually adrift through her relation to the sleeping. It's a very accessible and serene take on love.

There are a few places where the piece can be improved IMO:

This morning I awoke with the sun
and felt the earth before you woke --- "woke" seems like a repetition of "awoke". I would replace one of the two with something else.
Drifted through the blinds and glass
and found my soul within the grass. --- the use of "soul" is a bit too abstract here. I think if you just used "myself" instead, you would keep the focus better.

I russled softly through the treetops ---you mean "rustled"?
brought the leaves back to your lawn
I lingered kindly round' your bedpost
To whisper to you the dawn. --- get rid of that second "to" in this line.

I drowned your ground with softly sounds --- "softly sounds"!!! I get it, but I'm not sure I like it. Maybe think of something more conventional?!
and swept with wind around' and round' --- why not just "'round and 'round"? But notice you already used the word in the former stanza...
I spread roots below the earth
and shed you beaming lights of mirth. --- It seems a little too jumpy to me this stanza, you are both wind, roots and light.

I hovered over hills afar- --- no need for the dash
and cast those shadows for you- --- I really like the narrator's melting into nature and that even shadows are something beautiful in this relation.
I will love you throughout each season
It's to you that I give these reasons. --- These two last lines doesn't work for me. You build up the relation really well, as I've already expressed, and so I think it's a shame how you 'surrender' to such a, sorry for saying, boring ending. It's like an unnecessary sum up. Love is already established beautifully through-out, and by reasons I'm not really sure what you mean, making it quite a forced rhyme. If you could think of a better ending, it would really benefit the finishing energy of this piece. All IMO.

A little polish and you got a really nice poem here. Thanks for sharing.

Martin

Thank you for your critiques! Your suggestions help out a lot, and I think with those tweaks it could easily be improved. Glad you liked it.