Thread: I want to make a place

start right now
a search for somewhere green
to put it in:

lush terrain and carve a garden,
from heart through fingers sow -

thanking Pachamama

then share the earth on ground,
bless and transform trees,
shape wood with children's dreams;
our homes.

When evenings come and circles form
I'd watch eyes being born
into bonfires' calm.


I want to go

away from here:
grey glass, steel hierarchies

corrupted words and politics,
fashions faking right
wrong, clothes and norm;

worlds rising not for tomorrow's sun,
minds shut behind curtains
emitted with the blue light
all strung up, each on his own lie.

Life as a statue
trapped in place and granite
too late to turn about

- from this I want to take flight.

The longing really comes through in this Martin. I loved these lines:

When evenings come and circles form
I'd watch eyes being born
into bonfires' calm.

I have to confess that I had to look up Patchamama, and I'm wondering if you put a 't' in there by accident or if it's a play on words? Either way, the feeling and idea came across. What a nice dream to have, I've a similar one, myself.

Yikes! How could I misspell the name of my favourite goddess!

Thanks for your comment, Cindy...

Oooh, Martin, can I please come with? I'm dying to move to the countryside, being surrounded by cement and soot sickens me, and what better place to move than one where the wood is shaped with children's dreams, what a stellar line. Cindy's right, the longing is easily palpable and your spot-on descriptions of the world in which most of us live intensifies that longing, excellent job with that. I simply adore that final stanza. Two punctuation issues. The caps after the colons bothered me and since punctuation isn't my strength, I looked it up. I believe they should be lowercase. You use tomorrows', which indicates many but then follow it with a single sun, it's not consistent, it's either tomorrow's sun or tomorrows' suns. Sorry for being such an anal pain in the butt. This piece ignited both longing (for your beautiful place) and contempt (for the place where I am trapped) within me. I believe that was probably your exact intention and I bow to your success. Exceptional piece, love.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa, you are very welcome when it is, though I am still searching... thanks so much for your kind words and pointing out the nits.

I especially love the first half. The line 'from heart through fingers sow' sends a shiver in me. I like it, alot. I am not sure if it is a second poem from 'I want to go' or the second half of the whole thing. In any case, I am not as convinced of the 2nd half as the first half. It is clumsier than the first half and in my opinion less skillfully written. 'Minds shut behind curtains' and 'life as a statue' seem cliche, something I've read before and, what I call, 'first thoughts'-where as

When evenings come and circles form
I'd watch eyes being born
into bonfires' calm

is unique and all yours and takes me to where i think you want me to go.

Just my humble opinion. Keep writing-poems are just so great.

Daniel

Hello Daniel and welcome to the forums

I'm glad the first half works for you, that was also the initial inspiration and came to me more naturally than the second half. I thought by making a contrasting half, it would somehow magnify the necessity of 'making our own places'. So your perception is quite right, that second half is somewhat generic compared to the first. Very useful critique.

Thanks a lot for leaving your comment and see you around the boards,
Martin