Thread: 64 squares

I once played chess,
with a man I knew well,
who was two steps ahead,
yet faith you can't sell.

To lay down his bold queen
is wise to the least,
but the battle wont end,
until each rook, knight and piece.

You see I've learnt a rule,
well many by now;
Don't strike, don't sit,
Don't hold back a punch,
Or your king is cornered in hell.

So game after game,
no pawn would suffice,
so, play hard and die,
or lay low and know,
Chess would be better with dice

...

"Good game dad."
"I thought you had me."

Originally Posted by ArcThomas

I once played chess,
with a man I knew well.
who was two steps ahead,
yet faith you can't sell.

To lay down his bold queen,
is wise to the least,
but the battle wont end,
until each rook, night and piece.

You see I've learnt a rule,
well many by now.
Don't strike, don't sit,
Don't hold back a punch,
Or your king is cornered in hell.

So game after game,
no pawn would suffice,
play hard and die,
or lay low and know.

I hate to admit that while I was reading this poem, I got distracted by the third and fourth stanza. First off, you establish a four line structure in the first, second, and fourth stanza, yet in the third, you suddenly go to five lines. If you could perhaps combine two lines, or get rid of one, the flow wouldn't be quite as fractured.

Second, in both the third and fourth stanza, you abandon the ABCB rhyme scheme also established in the first two stanzas. Now, if this poem was written in free verse, then you can ignore this nitpick, but it seems like when it began, it was intentional.

(By the way, is wont in stanza two wont or won't? I'm lost there as well.)

Now, in terms of the message, I like chess metaphors for life, and this is no different. I do think sometimes that some people approach life with gusto and might, while others sit back and strategize their moves, and I got the feeling that both personality types were at play here, so good job on that end.

i edited in your advise in green.
For more information on a game of chess with dice
Ask me about Guvair
the two - 4 player game of chess piece dice.

This is my first post here, so take this with a gain of salt if you want (and I'm nobody's poet myself)-

1. I like the rhyme and rythm. Rhyme seems to have gone a bit out of fashion but I think it lends a lyrical quality to poetry, and when used with intent can add meaning as well. That being said, I agree with the other post about how the verse switch up it a little confusing. It also seems a bit like the meaning is mashed in a bit to fit the words into the scheme.

Originally Posted by ArcThomas

To lay down his bold queen,
is wise to the least,
but the battle wont end,
until each rook, night and piece.

Is that supposed to be knight by any chance? Or a play on knight with night? I just mention it because I'll read what I write 10 times and not catch a little flip around like that.


IDK, I guess my main point for improvement would be to work the first stanzas so they're a bit more clear. They end in periods but it's hard to get one coherent sentence idea out of them. Like, the first stanza is all one solid idea till the last line. The second stanza ends mid idea with a period. Unless your goal was to have it cut out and be a bit "choppy."

Some thoughts anyhow.