Thread: Musical Orgasm

Vibrations roll through the air without a care,
Drifting into a cohesive band of piano keys
punched down with gentle ease.

Tones beget emotions
no arbitrary symbols could express;
beats clasp down upon you.

Then it hits

Like lightning --
the music jolts
through the toes
up the legs
circles the hips
and electrifies the spine.

With a sensation like a lucid vibration it storms the brain --
and with an explosion of dopamine; escapes the body:

Taking with it some thoughts
and giving back a calm, dull feeling
like after a slight breeze
that leaves you in chills.


(formatted as suggested by Edgewise)

This is an excellent poem Jon. The perfectly executed rhythm results in a tangible pulse beating throughout the entire piece, which only further enhances your chosen theme.

One objection I have is the way you formed it; the double spaces between each individual thought breaks my concentration, and I can't help but feel that the piece would benefit from shorter lines and modified punctuation. It might read better like this:

Vibrations roll through the air without a care,
drifting into a cohesive band of piano keys
punched down with gentle ease.

Tones beget emotions
no arbitrary symbols could express;
beats clasp down upon you.

Then it hits

like lightning --
the music jolts
through the toes
up the legs
circles the hips
and electrifies the spine.

With a sensation like a lucid vibration it storms the brain --
and with an explosion of dopamine, escapes the body:

Taking with it some thoughts
and giving back a calm, dull feeling
like after a slight breeze
that leaves you in chills.


Ultimately it's your baby of course, but imo the words deserve a better presentation than the one you have already provided.

Again, great work.

Thanks Edgewise, your suggestion makes it read a lot smoother. I also appreciate the kind words.

Edge gave you excellent advice and it's now a very smooth and beautiful read, sensuous even. Good poem.

The first few verses seemed too descriptive to me, but the insistance on this way of expressing an experience turned me about and after finishing I was left with a feeling of completion. It was like you scripted the sensation and I think it worked very well.

Thanks Gumby.

Haha yah Martin, I began this with the intent to be very descriptive but feel back into a normal mode of writing. "It was like you scripted the sensation and I think it worked very well." That means alot to me, because that is exactly what I was trying to do.

This is freaking excellent, Jon. Scripted the sensation is a perfect description. I don't know how it was originally formatted, but you were wise to accept Edge's suggestions, it reads as smooth as silk now. I am particularly partial to S2, never did I think that that particular message could be simplified so eloquently. One silly little nit, lose the cap in Drifting. Enjoyed to the extreme, hon, now give us some more. Oh, almost forgot, your title is sheer genius.

Best,
Lisa