Thread: My Lament to Summer's End

Summer summarily ground to a halt
School started back, it was nobody's fault
My season of leisure(please pronounce leh-zure) has gone out the door
Can't go to the lake every weekend no more

Autumn has dully come in with a thud
Summertime slipped out the back with a dud
The boat has been trailered and stored in the shed
I barely have reason to get out of bed

It's over, more over, than if it were not
Every small fraction, each tittle and jot
And I look now with ambivalent eyes
At brooding, foreboding, corroding skies

If I could but find some small solace of hope
To untie this noose at the end of my rope
Suddenly, my darling has quelched all my fear
With four little words: Football season is here

Very clever! I think it flows smoothly off the tongue and I love the tongue in cheekiness of it. Bravo!

American Football? Anyway, this is really interesting and I agree, too, with Gumby that the flow was nice. A very nice piece.

Yas. American football. And did you say leh-zure when you read it? That part was essential. Thank you both so much for your encouragement. I've got to get out of this poetry section sometime and get up the courage to post some of my fiction which for me is much more difficult to write.
Mark.

Be brave Mark! We don't have many 'biters' here.

I thought this started off well but unraveled towards the end. First, although you seem adamant about pronouncing it "leh-zure", I don't see how it matters. Both fit the meter. The fourth line is weak because it is missing the subject and because it is the only time you veer from standard English.

"Dully come"... here's an opportunity to use a three or two syllable verb to give this line the impact it deserves. I like the image, but we understand the "dull" part by the use of "thud". Don't be redundant; make every word count. Something like "Autumn comes clobbering in with a thud." Also, use punctuation.

The meter starts to stumble a bit after this. I really like the "tittle and jot" line. It's really good, actually. Keep it, but make the rest of the line fit the meter.

The last stanza needs the most work. You use fluff words to pad out the meter. Off the top of my head, something like:

I step up to the gallows, take hold of the rope,
then cross my self twice and abandon all hope,
when suddenly, like silver bells in my ear,
creep four little words: football season is here.

only better and not as cliche.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You took this seriously?

Oh, and by the way I just personally like the way leh-zure feels when I say it. But thanks. Ciao.

Apparently I offended MisterSpider with my flippant response to his critique. I have apologized to him personally and would like to do so here as well.

No, you didn't offend me. And really, I'm the last person who should get offended on these forums. I just don't see the point in posting a poem when you don't want it critiqued. But thank you anyway.

I whole-heartedly agree with you. When it is critiqued for what it is. And you are welcome.