Thread: that night

Here I am, just thinking about that night.
The night that we shared a bed.
The night that I actully felt something more with you.
The night that we didn't sleep at all
I am wishing I never asked what we were.
I already knew the answer.
Why am I still thinking about how you toached me?
How I felt when I was in your arms?
Why am I worrying if I never see you again?
Why am I still thinking about how I felt when I was with you?
How I felt as we were not thinking clearly?
Here I am, wishing that I could get you out of my head.
How I felt whole when I was with you.
And how I felt like time stopped when I was with you.
Now, I have to go back to my normal life, without you.

I think this can be edited down quite abit. Alot of the lines have the same ideas in them. Perhaps some could be removed / edited to make the poem more concise. Hard to say which exactly.

However, I do like the emotion represented in it, it's obviously something you have strong feelings about. I also like the last line.

Yeah, I wrote it while I was crying. I will edit it and see if I like it. I see what you mean, I didn't notice that when I wrote it and posted it.

I will fix it and re-post it Thanks for letting me know.

Originally Posted by Jessalynn Barnum

Here I am
just thinking about that night. the night
[strike]The night that[/STRIKE] we shared a bed.
The night that I actully felt something more with you.
The night that we didn't sleep at all
I am wishing wish I never asked what we were.
I already knew the answer what we were.
Why am I still thinking about how you toached me?
How I felt when I was in your arms?
Why am I worrying if I never see you again?
Why am I still thinking about how I felt when I was with you?
How I felt as we were not thinking clearly?
Here I am, wishing that I could get you out of my head.
How I felt whole when I was with you.
And how I felt like time stopped when I was with you.
Now, I have to go back to my normal life, without you.

I think it could be edited down too. I didn't like the last half; it seemed too melodramatic. I realize my edits look excessive, but I think the poem becomes more powerful. Immediate. And I am a big fan of the first line being, simply "Here I am". It is strong but ambiguous.

I crossed out the second half because I think it could be written better.

ok, thanks