Thread: Here Yet Forgotten

My first time trying out writing a poem. Don't be too harsh


A strong wind flows past his steal mold
Up into his head to test for neglect
It cannot be tamed, the pain flows
Hour by hour it's torture
The force of hurtful taunts go by
Hurdles of words just toasting fear
Making a wave in each teared eye
Every step is in counting

Gushing beads of sweat is tearing
The seat is soaking from aching
Craving life but not deserving
Above knows so near but nothing
In the eyes of victims present
It takes not but one single fool
To make a whole bundle tested
To make a whole headache ready

In just one more class time he'll sit
Take in a period of hell
Next time is the moment it hits
Wish for everything to end
Parents crazed with a fury mess
Sickening them to their stone ground
"Why has my Son become lifeless?"
Just take a look in the classroom

this is ok. and let me tell you why that's a bad thing.

the imagery is old. "gushing beads of sweat," "making a wave in each teared eye," even the vocabulary: victims, taunts, fear, pain, hell, etc.
the problem is that thematically, this is every poem ever written. i would want to see your attempt at something else.

i like "every step is in counting" that was a good break. these moments are accessible and matter of fact, maybe its a stylistic thing, but i would prefer something surreal and arresting. the predictability in imagery and theme pushes me through the poem very quickly.

don't take this as an insult, i'm just giving my opinion. take the advice that you think helps, and ignore the rest!

cheers.

Thank you! I'll take this all on board and come back with something totally different and unsuspecting.