Thread: Hatched Eggs

Hatched Eggs

This describes so well the situation that we are in these days, in fact, the situation many civilizations have found themselves in. Corruption always brings about decay and then the fall.

Such a vivid imagery you paint, Baron. Full of strong words that boldly stamps the level of decadence in an assembly of men.

My favorite:

'Vipers brood eschew all thought of truth; pass the chalice, full to the brim with bilious broth, which ferments as it's passed from lip to bitter lip...'

Thanks for the comments, both.

You surely had me look up quite a few words for this read. I find it very condemning and aggressive, not to mention powerful. I would say either the piece has spawned from frustrations of the presumable hopeless conditions of the various leaderships found in the world today, or from anger and with a desire to hit someone in the face with the ugly truth. Maybe both.

"from lip to bitter lip" - I would lose this line. It only adds little in terms of meaning, and I think it reads better without.

"lies conceal denial" - I would add a "when" in the beginning of this line and lose the dash above. The piece is quite an enumeration already, and this little change I think would lend some air to the contemplating mind.

"resistant to the movement." - I had to think about what you meant with this line. I made sense of it in a way of how some simply can't change their ways out of pure ignorance, though it was too abstract for me to really center down on. I could neither fit it in a metaphorical viperish way!

Overall a strong and unfortunately very true read. I dare not dwell on it for too long, or it will ruin my day. Something like actually being present at a G7/8 meeting or worse..!

Thanks for taking the time to read, Martin. I appreciate the comments and will give some thought to your suggestions.

That last line ties in with earlier references in the poem to an eastern method of divination.

I wonder what could possibly have inspired this. The I Ching references in this revision take it away from where it was originally pointing and it's a change for the better. It shows the value of revising works.

Oh, such glorious sounds. I doubt I'll ever encounter anyone with your expert ability to consistently produce pieces with such superb aural quality coupled with such a gentle but knowing hand for rhyme. You, my dear Rob, are in a class by yourself when it comes to implementing my two favored devices and in sharing your pieces afford me treats that border on decadence and I thank you for doing so. This piece is no exception, nasty (in the best sense of the word) imagery with a message that continues to gnaw at my heart and mind. You know you keep me up at night with these, you certainly know how to impact your readers. Another extraordinary effort that has burrowed its way into my soul and makes my heart ache yet again for the unenlightened.

I enjoyed this. My only comment is on some of the scanning of the syllables and rhythm snag me, but that's just me.
For instance-I replaced,
'Which ferments' with "fermenting' -just a personal prefference.

Ahoy me hearties!

Hey Baron
Definitely my cup of tea; thought provoking, inciteful; challenging but not too much so. However when I have posted suchlike material online I have been chastised as being a bit of a preacher/didactic and too abstract. I again-however love this type of stuff! Posing a challenge and not patronising the reader. Well done (lol, not patronising).

Best
Jason

Bilious broth and arsenic goad?,
perhaps you've been too long at sea,
if that's the menu you unload,
well ..don't expect your friends for tea.

Thanks to all for the feedback.