Thread: Portrait of a Manicured Mess

A Portrait of a Manicured Mess

Such a pretty little pity,
tenderly holding martyr momma’s hand,
the other snapping for the bill.
Her blood on me speed
legs crossed ,
heels circling,
eyes doing the do-si-do round restaurant
guessing her Daddy-o
is the best clacking green machine.

Hubby, who hangs his pride
on a hat stand,
handing her Franklin faces.

Shops everyday on Fifth.
Juicy couture cloth, clasped,
platinum hand-cuffed to Tiffany’s;
skinny watches, big bangles,
followed, catered to, by the best.

She sucks Saks dry.
Then off to Waldorf's
for a salad she scarcely eats.
A glass of Pino she sips, on purpose,
tapping her nails on the glass;
hammering nails
for a box to hide her thoughts.

Leaves a big tip for a bow.
A little royalty purchased
at the end of the day, everyday.

Tomorrow, she’ll stuff death into a Chanel suit.

I loved those first two lines, I am a mug for alliteration. I felt it went on a little long, I got the message well before the end, on the other hand there wasn't much obviously redundant "Dollar sign eyes" was a bit weak, could "on purpose" be "she sips purposefully"

What a sad portrait Laurie, I'm afraid I've seen this 'Mess' a few times in my life.

Such a pretty little pity,
tenderly holding martyr momma’s hand,
the other snapping for the bill.
Her blood on me speed
legs crossed ,
heels circling,
eyes doing the dosido round restaurant
guessing her Daddy O
is the best clacking green machine.
Hubby, who hangs his pride
on the hat stand,
handing her Jefferson faces.

You painted the picture well.

Hi, Olly. Thanks for reading. About the length. I was aiming for a kind of SOC effect and I did want to soak the reader with detail so they would join her, walking down "Obessive Lane". During the middle of the writing the last line came to mind and I fell for it. So, I think if not for the driving home, the last line would have been less effective. Just the second facter. But I'll consider what you're saying, reading with fresh eyes in the morning.

You're absolutely right. "Dollar sign eyes" is weak and, in fact, rather trite. A definte change there.

A glass of Pino she sips, on purpose,

About her needing to restrain herself from "gulping" to numb pain, which has been strongly established.

Again, big thanks! Laurie

My ex-boss actually inspired this poem so you can imagine what a joy it was getting ready for work. I truly did feel for her but she "was" a fascinating study. Here, I write about The Nature of the Human Condition, again.

Thanks for the read and appreciation, Cindy.

Hey Laurie,

There is something smooth about the first line of your poem and it really drew me in. A strong mental picture in the second stanza points to this 'Mess'. A fashion obsession...

Thank you so much, Fox. Glad to hear you liked the first line because it is an important one. The second stanza was packed with her travels and hope it works. As I had said, I was going for a "Stream of Consciouness " effect but am not quite sure that it works with the first stanza, now?

I love this, Laurie, including the title. You've captured your subject brilliantly, I've never understood why rich ladies are so unhappy, they are proof that money can't buy happiness. The picture you paint is so vivid, I flinched at the nails tapping on glass, that image brought it home big time. Aside from the cash swap we've already discussed, I've no nits. I do have one suggestion, perhaps remove the "up" after Saks, "she sucks Saks dry" flows better. "Hubby, who hangs his pride on a hat stand" says so much in so few words, stellar job with that. I personally love your inclusion of all the details, it makes for a complete picture, (grain of salt here, you know I suffer from detail overkill) and enhances the impact of that excellent final line. Wonderful, wonderful work, love.

"Such a pretty little pity," - Great opening.

"tenderly holding martyr momma’s hand,
the other snapping for the bill." - Then it gets better.

"Her blood on me speed" - This line gives me problems.

"eyes doing the dosido round restaurant" - I think it's do-si-do. At least that's how I've always seen it.

"guessing her Daddyo" - Same for this, daddy-o.

"Hubby, who hangs his pride
on a hat stand,
handing her Franklin faces." - Just wonderful.

"She sucks Saks dry." - Please keep-em coming.

"A glass of Pino she sips, on purpose," - Why is "sips" in italics.

"for a box for her thoughts." - Using the word for twice doesn't sound right to me. Maybe it's just me.

Outstanding ending. This poem is presented magnificently. It reads smoothly for the most part and I can picture it just perfectly. I thoroughly enjoyed.

Thank you, Lisa. All drawn from my observations. Absolutely nothing I can relate to. I love to study people, what makes them feel full, though most times a short feed. I took your advice about "Saks". I agree the flow is better. Glad to give you a glimps into a sad, priveleged city woman's life. I knew so many of them when living and working in Manhattan.

Whit, I am glad you appreciated the ending. That was "my" prize in the piece. Your suggestions were right on target and will be implementing the changes. I'm glad I was able to take you on a journey into the netherland of an empty women, who empties her husband's pockets in order to feel alive. Thank you for your review.

Thanks to you both. Laurie ~

SilverMoon - I could not let this one flaunt-on-by without affording comments from my busy non-schedule; this Poem shrews all-too-familiarly from my personal/observational orbits, exactingly & uncomfortably (the markings of literature) so; where as others may see/read here as a "litany" Poem, I see the Gatling-gun firings, a whacking of Prosetry/targeting of the pathos, all too "commonly" denied by Its players, rife from Long Island>Long Key, a longing for more "happiness" meted-out through that most dangerous of words...more (I Want My Maypo!") H'H.

Thank you so much, Haro, for taking time out of your busy schedule. More... is the operative word, here. More "things" to fill up that emptly space, a "death like region", hence the last line. And I found it "was" an all to comon pathology of Manhattan women (and certainly more around the world). I was afraid it might be read as a litany but you have put my fears at rest! It's all about The Nature of Human Condition. What I try to keep a keen eye on. Haro, thank you again. Laurie ~

As a newbie I have no critique to give, but I can say my personal favorite line was

"platinum hand-cuffed to Tiffany’s;"

I can't quiet say why but this line jumped at me, possibly from my mother always dragging me through this store when I was little boy. Well written, it was enjoyable to read and I think I'll be reading it a few more time. Perhaps I'll be a bit more helpful later on.

Thank you Connway and welcome! Am so pleased you enjoyed my poem and the imagey you pointed out. One of my favorites, too.

"Tomorrow, she'll stuff death into a Chanel suit".
Just when I think you're put of punches... pow!
Great ending, strong portrait. I think the stream-of-consciousness style serves this poem well, I enjoyed reading it.