Thread: Near Death Experience

Hey guys, this is my first submission to this site. Please comment and critique, tell me what you think. Please don't hold back.

Near Death Experience

The day that terrible accident happened, flew off the ledge landed in the ocean
Dove deep under the sullen blue, not able to even gasp for air, long overdue
Floating in despair, I didn't think this is how I would fare

As I sink to the bottom, looking up I no longer see the light, I'm free.
This isn't me, I look around it's still deep blue, still under indeed
I suddenly wake up and see her standing there, her long black hair
The sun behind her enveloping the slender body, gazing eerily at me

As the sun-shadowed figure makes her way to the bed, her face, a look of dread
Gets on her knees, and kisses me, her voice whispers something so sweet
"I love you." she hoarsely claims, I ponder over her, trying to figure her name
I try to answer back, my throat is tight, doesn't even feel intact

"I wish it didn't have to be this way." she whispers softly, the tear streams
The unknown lady looks into my eyes, causing churns to spring in my insides
Suddenly she closes the casket, it's dark, I feel like I'm past it

I slowly blink my eyes open I cough, I'm on the boat again before I was pushed off
A near death experience, one I won't soon forget, I have one life - this is it.

Thanks for reading. Don't forget to comment. PLEASE.

Nicely written. Enjoyed reading it several times.

The lines seem too long and tedious. It reads more like a story, each line seems disjointed and isolated from the rest; there is little continuity between the images or the ideas.

What the previous poster said. This is prose disguised as poetry. And you seem to have completely left out the subject in the first stanza/paragraph. I suspect that you do not read much poetry. If you would like to improve your craft, you must read poetry. That's the only way to it.

I think this would work great as a short story or flash if you wanted to work it out. The subject is interesting.