Thread: Visited by a Villan

Brother in wolf's clothing
why was he rummaging my possessions?
Brother in wolf's clothing
did he ponder the rhetorical questions?

Brother in wolf's clothing
cloaked in grey, hooded in red.
Brother in wolf's clothing,
his doom was called that day. Did he hear what I said?

Brother in wolf's clothing,
when he vanished into the void, did he hear what I said?
Brother in wolf's clothing
can't disappear. Where do his feet tread?

Brother in wolf's clothing
he taught me well, but was that all?
Brother in wolf's clothing,
I'll sing a wishsong for you in the morning.

Wolf in brother's clothing,
your message received, my lesson learned.
Wolf in brother's clothing,
go away, never return.

Wolf in brother's clothing,
embark from my heart.
Wolf in brother's clothing,
may you forever depart.

You can edit the title by going to advanced edit to take the warning out of it.

You weren't consistant here and I missed that.

Brother your doom was called that day
did you hear what I say?

Also might change did they laugh to the end of that stanza.

Brother in wolf's clothing
very fine coat, plus I got your message
Brother your doom was called that day
did you hear what I say?
Mine too...

Brother in wolf's clothing
when you vansihed into the void did you hear what I say?
Brother in wolf's clothing
where you did vanish, must you stay?

I think it would work well if you switched these two and two vanish(es) so close together. You could remove where you did vanish completely...plus I read that as where did you vanish to begin with. Something to think on.


I like the voice here. And the last stanza is beautiful. Just needs some tweaks here and there. Although I'm sure that someone will come on and completely contradict me.

Originally Posted by Kat

You can edit the title by going to advanced edit to take the warning out of it.

You weren't consistant here and I missed that.



Changed for the better.

Also might change did they laugh to the end of that stanza.

Done.

I think it would work well if you switched these two and two vanish(es) so close together. You could remove where you did vanish completely...plus I read that as where did you vanish to begin with. Something to think on.

I like the voice here. And the last stanza is beautiful. Just needs some tweaks here and there. Although I'm sure that someone will come on and completely contradict me.

My replies in bold above. I'm trying to work out switching the two "vanishes", but I'm not sure I understand you correctly.

Thanks very much for your reply.

I think this would work well as lyrics for a song (I can especially imagine someone singing this - though what style I'm hearing in my head as I have no clue). From what I have seen from the edited version and the version Kat has quoted, you have improved this greatly.

Brother in wolf's clothing
very fine coat, plus I got your message
Brother in wolf's clothing,
your doom was called that day. Did you hear what I say?

This seems irrelevant. Whereas the other lines make sense to the poem as a whole, this one is only bringing attention to the 'Brother' something the reader is already aware of. That isn't necessary, and only leaves the reader wondering if this will fit it elsewhere (we already know he is in wolf's clothing, and what the message is from that.) Remember that though your narrator is speaking to the 'brother', you are speaking to the reader.

your doom was called that day. Did you hear what I say?

You've used the ending of this line further into the poem as well. Unless the speaker is referencing something he consistently says, then 'say' should be 'said'. 'Did' is in past tense, whereas 'say' is present. Even if it is a reference to consistent speech, it is a huge break from the flow. The reader is likely to wonder - as I did - if that is grammatically correct and will go back to read it rather than continuing with the poem.

where you did vanish, must you stay?

I don't think there should be a comma here. They are two completely different questions, but by having the same question mark for them both you make them the same question. It should be 'where did you vanish? Must you stay?'

I'll sing a wishsong for you in the morning.

The break from the usual questioning in the final line is almost like an indication of a breath for the poem (which the reader echoes) and giving a refreshing look on the contrasting hopefulness and peace presented in this line.

I stick with what I said at the beginning; this could work well as lyrics. It needs a bit of work, but with some more fresh eyes I'm sure you'll find it just improves and improves, DevilVision.

Originally Posted by DevilVision

My replies in bold above. I'm trying to work out switching the two "vanishes", but I'm not sure I understand you correctly.

Thanks very much for your reply.

Sorry I wasn't very clear. I meant that you could remove one of the vanishes.

Brother in wolf's clothing,
when you vanished into the void did you hear what I say?
Brother in wolf's clothing
where you did vanish, must you stay?

that last line is still confusing here. I still read it where did you vanish, and from reading Nick's reply so does he. I think what you meant was...where you went, must you stay?

But what I meant was that you could replace the second vanish with another word.

And that you could switch the third and fourth stanza but looking back it's fine the way it is. Disregard that.

Kat, yes, it was supposed to mean.. where you went, must you stay? I have changed the "say(s)" to "said(s)", then replaced the last vanish as you suggested.

Nick, yes the "very fine coat..." was confusing, and out of place. Also, are you saying this poem needs more to it? Did I understand that correctly?

Originally Posted by SoNickSays

The break from the usual questioning in the final line is almost like an indication of a breath for the poem (which the reader echoes) and giving a refreshing look on the contrasting hopefulness and peace presented in this line.

I stick with what I said at the beginning; this could work well as lyrics.

edit - This poem has improved much! Thanks both for your help!!

I agree in that this would work really well as a song. More slow-paced, maybe acoustic? Hmm... I really like the rhythm of it. (well, how I read it.)

I feel like maybe you could add maybe 2 more lines after you 'wishsong' line. As it just feels... Incomplete to me, like we should find out where the brother wound up? If that makes any sense. Anyways, this is my two cents, you may want the reader's imagination to capture where the brother ends up. Anyway, very well written.

.

Since you said it's like a song, I tried adding two final stanzas, and reworded the first.

Second final edit: I changed all the "you(s)" to "he(s)" except the last one.

I really like it now Devil, it looks complete to me. But I'm an amateur myself.. (as you can probably tell by my first submission to the site.) so I wouldn't take my word as the final word.

Overal nice poetry at work here. (:

Thanks Octane! I like it much better now too. I'm less than an amateur, and can use all the crit I can get!!

The refrain becomes extremely tedious by the poem's end. "Brother in wolf's clothing" is not a strong enough line to repeat over and over and neither is its inverted sibling, "Wolf in brother's clothing". I notice you are attempting rhyme and meter, but you don't pull it off because the rhymes aren't perfect and the meter hiccups. In a rhyme scheme as easy as ABCB, you really have no excuse for anything other than exact rhymes, unless you are going for slant rhymes, but that's not what you're going for.

There are other problems as well. A lot of this poem is abstract. This is a common mistake for many beginners. Words like "the void" and "doom", when sprinkled throughout a poem with no concrete sustenance to back it up, create an instantly forgettable poem. There are no concrete images to hook into the reader's mind. Save for the rumbly-tumbly meter of your poem, you have written something exactly like every other abstraction-heavy poem on this board.

In summary, to improve your writing, first, don't attempt meter and rhyme until you really have the hang of it. You will start to get an "ear" for meter by reading tons and tons of metrical poetry. Study the rollicking rhythms of Kipling and W. S. Gilbert. Second, avoid abstraction and use crisp, concrete images. Third, read more poetry. A lot more poetry. You will realize, if you really study what you are reading, that no good poem is written like your poem.

Bite the newbies head off why don't you. It's a work in progress. We all have to start somewhere. And while you have plenty of good advice in your reply I don't know that s/he will be able to see it through the tears in her eyes. It never hurt anyone to be polite.

Just want to step in here before this degenerates any further and remind all to play nicely.

I often find very valuable tips from other's reviews which I apply to some of my work. I believe reviewing is an "art" in itself. Striking a balance of sorts. Often this can be difficult. I run a Creative Writing Group at my Epilepsy site. The majority of the members are not writers but wannabes. I give them the respect by never placating them. I point out problem areas. Often a review with lots of point outs! But always bring them back up. We, as reviewers, should not leave "any" writer "hanging". In fact, it's counter-productive to "our" efforts. We are not being heard and more importantly we could have caused someone permanent writer's block. I'm a firm believer that even the most erudite should bring the writer back up if only to say at the end, despite all flaws pointed to, something to this effect:
"I see that you've made an effort in this piece. I would suggest a re-write. Good luck in your efforts should you decide to revamp".

You haven't contradicted yourself. The integrety of your review remains in intact.

DevilVision

You have been given excellent advice. I think everything has been said except for my input! I'm very keen on imagery and read that you've applied some of it to your poem. You enliven the piece with these turns of phrases. I really liked the following and would consider injecting more of it into your work. You've obviously got a knack for it, evidenced by:

Brother in wolf's clothing
cloaked in grey, hooded in red.
Then...
I'll sing a wishsong for you in the morning.

I'm looking forward to reading your next piece. Namaste ~ Laurie