Thread: Broken Dreams Are Sweet

This is something I dug up when I was combing through my room from a long time ago. I like it, but it definitely needs a lot of work. Any suggestions? I might start by giving it a rhythm, but wanted to have some opinions on it first.

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Alone with the stars
my bed wraps around myself:
entombing me to dreams.
There she is, as if cued,
floating over a diamond lake.
Brown and white cloth
drip from her frame,
her yellowing hair floating
as a wave reversing from the shore.
A smile stains her lips;
a smile for me, hidden but for my eyes.
The window shudders to grant access
but also fear to break her step-less stride.
In my arms, she is cool,
layers of her love peeling away
into my hands, where I feast on the
pale shell of her figure,
and I lay her skeletal bones to rest
so I might taste the flesh
that taints the soul I’ve given her
in my palace of mind –
which now draws me out!
I am an unwilling rat
when I throw open my eyes
to my twisted tomb
and a stack of clean bones
just out of my sight.

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Should I throw it back to the cupboard of lost dreams, or shall I do something with it?

-Nick

I think this has a lot of potential Nick. If you wrote it a long time ago, you're sure to have improved your eye now.
There are a few lines which don't work for me, even though I 'get' what you're saying.

my bed wraps around myself:

this one doesn't scan right. Seems like it should be 'wraps around me' or 'wrapped around myself'

her yellowing hair floating

This makes it sound like there's something wrong with her hair and it's turning yellow. I know that's not what you wanted here. Much better to just say 'her yellow hair' or 'moonlit hair' something along those lines.

but also fear to break her step-less stride.

Seems like it should be 'in fear' or 'fears', to me.

You are a romantic soul, Nick and I am enjoying your works very much.

Thank you for the reply, Gumby. I think the reason I wrote 'myself' was so there wasn't a repetition of 'me' (or at least that's what it seems like). I'll see what else can be done to this line.

I agree with you with yellowing. I do remember why I put that though. I was thinking that a dress can yellow when it's aged, so it was almost as if her hair was her dress (the thing she was proud of, she wore) but it has aged with no love. I have no idea why I thought that would come across! I agree that 'yellow' hair would be more effective. 'Yellowing' would just overcomplicate things.

I think 'fear' may have been a typo, as I see no reason for it to be as it was. Even at a young age, I was relatively grammatically correct.

It's odd: I've never considered myself much of a romantic when it comes to poetry, but it seems to be all I'm writing these days. Thank you for the kind words, and the help.

No! Why throw the piece back into the cupboard.

"It's a mystical bond between man and machine... Cars pick their drivers" Enough of that! Now that poem has got a hold on you, Nick. Like Gumby, your poem has a lot of potential and sweet layers of romance. You're right with the rhythm issue and also capable enough to tune it up.

Apart from the points carefully stated, I believe this will be more interesting when you go into editing.