Thread: As a dream

“As a dream” by Brandon Wilde

From a slumber so deep and free from pain,
I lay awake, inside my mind, with you,
All was amber, in worlds apart when sane,
I lay asleep wishing it to be true.
As we walked all was right in worlds around,
Every ounce loving the time spent with you,
Feelings unfit for words on even ground,
I glanced as your radiance turned skies blue.

And as I woke, to find it all a dream,
I felt a twinge and something shatter me,
Joy unsurpassed turned from sweet milk to cream,
Why were we not allowed the chance to be?
The pain did pass and all was well in sight,
As I mind we shall meet again tonight!

Hello Brandon and welcome to

May I suggest some minor tweaks:
Repetition of "worlds" should be avoided. Also, rhyming "you" with "true", even as a slant rhyme, is a dangerous kliché, but it might just work in this case...

Other than that, let me just say I found your piece sweet and innocent. Should probably serve you well! ; )

Kind regards,

Thanks Martin - I'm touched by your comments. This was my first attempt at a Shakespearian Sonnett and I honestly didnt expect it to be taken seriously, so those details raised will not only allow me to develop further sonnets but also give me a bit of confidence in my writing. For this piece - as it's my first I may keep it as is - just for the fact that it's the first thing I've written, sentiment etc - then again I may become less attached as the writing flows. Thank you

Tender, sweet and brings some sort of longing to the mind of the reader. And the choice of words seems to do the magic.

My fav:

'Feeling unfit for words on even ground...'


My only nit is your use of commas. In some places they were right while in the others may be replaced by full-stops. Please, it is just a suggestion to aid for better flow.


Thanks for sharing.

A very sweet poem, Brandon, with the kind of theme Shakespeare often experimented with.

Feelings unfit for words on even ground,
I glanced as your radiance turned skies blue.

These are my favourite lines, and are a wonderful look at beauty 'turning skies blue'. I agree with Foxryder's mention of commas. Something that has often been mentioned to me with my poems is the use of capital letters on every line. Not only is it not correct grammatically, it can be a distraction (something I learned the hard way, after writing many poems in this style). After a comma - even when starting a new line - lower case should be used (unless the word warrants otherwise).

The only other criticism I have is in the first stanza:

I lay awake, inside my mind, with you,
All was amber, in worlds apart when sane,
I lay asleep wishing it to be true.

It seems like a contradictory to me, and though this can sometimes be acceptable in poetry if more abstract, if you intended it to be this way then I suggest you use a different way of describing yourself as laying asleep the second time, as the repetition can be a distraction from the flow and can seem relatively amateur.

It's a very good sonnet, Brandon! I've been getting into sonnets myself lately. Welcome to WritingForums, too!

Thank you for the advice, these are all things I would not have noticed and fresh eyes have allowed me to see my next step. Glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the warm welcome.

Ah, I'm late to the party again, Brandon. I, too, enjoyed the sweet innocence of this and kudos to you for attempting a sonnet. I've yet to try one.