Thread: Insane Hypocrisy [Working Title]

This is my attempt at a sonnet. Following a rhyming scheme has never been a strong point of mine, so I thought I'd try it out. This is a Spensarian Sonnet. If you have a good suggestion for a new title, I'm all ears.

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How could one look upon one’s mind, and ponder?
To think of it as glass: broken, to be repaired
requires a mutual shatter, and chance to wander
in order to see one’s morality, and be scared.
To ask the fair maiden how she has fared,
to see below the neck, yet not the soft
of her breast, nor the weight she has bear’d,
but the bleating heart (held proudly aloft
for closed ears). The racing when she coughed!
The twich and shayke of skin in way of her heart
must be broken, torne, shedded from the soft,
so I can see that beating bleating heart
and tare it from that chest! Before - in kind -
I softly tell her lies, like she is not right of mind.

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Criticism is welcome!

Sorry for the double-post, but I was frightened this would get buried, and I would really like an opinion on it (I'm not sure of it myself). Thanks!

i'm no expert when it comes to sonnets, nick
but i think it flows really well and the rhymes
are neither forced nor jarring ...

i had to google shayke and twich though lol
just to see if i may not know if that was
a deliberate way of spelling them as in
an old world variety or something?

and cheers, ash

Originally Posted by ash somers

]i had to google shayke and twich though lol
just to see if i may not know if that was
a deliberate way of spelling them as in
an old world variety or something?

This was one of the things I was worried about. It's just a wrong spelling, to indicate a broken mind; to show he is insane. Bear'd is grammatically incorrect, twich, shayke, torne, shedded...

Thank you for reassuring me about the rhymes, ash. Another thing I was worried about with this. Was anyone else confused about the spellings, or did you understand what I was - hopefully - implying? I do tend to overcomplicate some poems.

arh, I see, I did wonder about the other words too
I probably didn't spend enough time thinking about
the association between content and working title

I do need to ask a dumb question though
and I could google but that's not as much fun
as chatting with you ...

what's a Spensarian Sonnet as opposed to
your average everyday Sonnet?

The hypocrisy doesn't shine through enough for me. Only by reading the replies I fully understand your intent.

I would also avoid the repetitions of "heart".

Rhyming and flow is good - strong and solid wording, but maybe faltering a bit near the end.

As for the title I can see it's a bit overkill as is. No suggestions at the moment though.

I hope it helped...

"Through the looking glass" springs to mind when I read this, as does "Broken, to be repaired" for possible titles, possibly even "Brok'en" in keeping with that stylistic choice you made with spelling. I really enjoyed reading this and personally find sonnetts the most challenging but enjoyable poems to read (excluding 15th century Italian tersas) The language used was vivid and fluent - allowing the sensations to be shared with the reader. However, I thought the spelling idea was a great addage but may be best saved for when people are familiar with your work as a poet. More please in future though!!

Brandon

Originally Posted by Martin

The hypocrisy doesn't shine through enough for me. Only by reading the replies I fully understand your intent.

I would also avoid the repetitions of "heart".

Rhyming and flow is good - strong and solid wording, but maybe faltering a bit near the end.

I'll see what I can do to make the hypocrisy more obvious, maybe giving the speaker a role earlier into the sonnet. The double-rhyme of heart was deliberate, partly to emphasise that when his mind is breaking further he loses his poetic speech, but also as an ode to earlier sonnets which often rhymed heart with heart. Was it too much of a distraction?

As for the title I can see it's a bit overkill as is. No suggestions at the moment though.

I hope it helped...

Originally Posted by BrandonWilde

"Through the looking glass" springs to mind when I read this, as does "Broken, to be repaired" for possible titles, possibly even "Brok'en" in keeping with that stylistic choice you made with spelling. I really enjoyed reading this and personally find sonnetts the most challenging but enjoyable poems to read (excluding 15th century Italian tersas) The language used was vivid and fluent - allowing the sensations to be shared with the reader. However, I thought the spelling idea was a great addage but may be best saved for when people are familiar with your work as a poet. More please in future though!!

Brandon

I quite like Brok'en, Brandon. I have been trying to write an Italian sonnet in the style of Dante's 'La Vita Nuova', but I have been struggling. Definitely a challenge, I will admit, but one I'm happy to undertake.

I'm glad you thought the language was fluent. Fluency was something I thought would be sacrificed by the broken spelling. I will try to tone down the broken spelling, as that's twice it has been mentioned somewhat negatively, but it was a main aspect of the poem in my opinion, and something I'm not so willing to lose altogether.

Thank you for the advice!

Wow, I've been trying to read Dante for a while now but really need to sit down and concentrate - nowhere near ready to attempt writing in that style. Please don't take my spelling comment as a criticism - im a novice when it comes to shaping my own writing and have only experience of the likes of Frost, Larking, Wordsworth, Shakespeare - who all had very solid and renowned styles - it would be easy for me not to see your intentions here and this is something I will develop as I write.

Brandon

Originally Posted by ash somers

what's a Spensarian Sonnet as opposed to
your average everyday Sonnet?

Everyday sonnets seem to be Shakespearean sonnets nowadays, but Shakespearean sonnets are a variation of Spensarian sonnets. The rhyming scheme in a Spensarian sonnet is ABAB BCBC CDCD EE, whereas Shakespearean sonnets use a somewhat simpler rhyming scheme (ABAB CDCD EFEF GG).

It is much better chatting! Google can't give you good conversation like a forum user can (unless you searched for one of those infuriating 'robots' that 'talk to you'.)

yes, agreed and thank you, I really must try a sonnet one day soon
it's about the only thing I haven't played with, I always thought
they looked quite hard and well, I'm kind of lazy sometimes :p

and I feel a bit stupid now that I realise I explained
a very simple limerick rhyming scheme to you
the other day in the limerick thread ...

*blush*

you were very good about it

Ah, don't worry! I didn't know the rhyming scheme for Limericks (I only ever knew the odd 'rude' ones that you used to giggle immaturely with your friends on the playground over in school). It's nice to know that now, because they give such a good chance for humour in a poem (something I'm poor at achieving).

Sonnets aren't too difficult at all. I actually find it easier to be restricted by a syllable count and rhyming scheme as opposed to writing with absolute freedom. Maybe there should be a sonnet thread in the Word Games forum to get those that aren't sure about them used to writing them? It could be fun!

Maybe there should be a sonnet thread in the Word Games forum to get those that aren't sure about them used to writing them? It could be fun!

I second that! I write free verse and so want to get down rhyme scheme and meter. Just that. Then give it a go at sonnets. But I can do a good Dr. Seuss. "Seussian" poetry.

Much has been covered but I think you need to drive his insanity home. When someone's insane, they are not aware of it. OMG! I'm sounding like an expert. I think you need to set the tone, of course, in first verse.

How could one look upon one’s mind, and ponder?
To think of it as glass: broken, to be repaired

This might break up beat but possibly give you some puddy to work with. Insanity established?

One cannot look upon one's mind go yonder
Not one glimpse of broken glass to be repaired

Overall, what a great piece. Laurie

There's not much more that can be said. But I will bring up a couple of things I noticed. I also like the brok'en spelling, (good title I think, it tells the reader to expect the spelling and its meaning) although bear'd looks too much to me like beard. And then i am asking myself why this woman with soft breasts is bearded and getting lost from the poem. Also tare is too far away from the original word for me and it causes a stumble, maybe taire could be better? one last thing, in the last line the right could be taken away. "she is not of mind" feels more complete to me somehow.

over all, i thoroughly enjoyed the piece. Thank you.