Thread: Dante's Lamentation

My first shot at writing a poem again in a while. There are some references to Dante's Inferno, but it should still make sense.

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The desolation of unknown space chokes me.
Dense black fog fills my lungs;
poisons my blood with sorrow.
In that deep, dark ice
the faceless souls with twisted mouths
beg me for a mercy I cannot bring.
I throw myself to my knees
to escape the spiralling winds
whipping around my mortal frame,
carrying those that substitute reason
for primal desire like autumn leaves.
All I can do is weep, and hope my pity
is a worthy alternative
for a mercy they will never find.

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Any feedback is appreciated.

-Nick

Very vivid imagery, loved your use of autumn leaves. My only nit is the use of caps each line, it's distracting and messing with the flow. A very successful return from your hiatus, hon.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you, ChestersDaughter! I have a habit of doing that when it isn't necessary. I'll be sure to look out for that in future, because it distracts me too (oddly enough).

Brutal, decisive and wonderfully gothic imagery. The capitals really mess up the flow of the lines so I'd love to see it edited without those, such a simple thing but re-reading it i realise that half my quibbles with the rhythm are caused by the unecassary emphasis a capital letter creates in the mind. Favourite line was:

The faceless souls with twisted mouths

So horrible yet so meaningful.

Loved it SNS, and like all the others, only nit is those capitals!

It's been edited now.

@ Crowley - Thank you very much. Inferno is really the ultimate gothic story, so I'm glad I have done it a little justice by keeping the mood of the poem gothic.

@ Gumby - Thank you! It's been done now, so I hope it reads better.

This is superb, powerful and raises the what-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are-looking-for-down-here question in my head. Just like the movies.

'Faceless souls with twisted mouths beg me for a mercy I cannot bring...'

The imagery here is just was so real. And for all its scare, I felt it did more to your piece.

Hope to read more from you, SNS.


Fox.

I think you've painted a vivid picture of what it would be like to witness hell. I've sadly never read Dante's Inferno (I mean to someday), but I can still relate to the themes. I like how you said they chose primal desire over reason, that rings true to me.
-cae

@ Foxryder - Thank you very much! I didn't really intend for it to scare, but if it has I guess it's an added bonus, right?

@ caelum - It's definitely worth the read (being a classic and all). I tried not to complicate the themes too much by relating them too closely to Inferno (I was worried the mention of the ice and the winds would confuse some, but I'm glad you still understood it). Thank you!