Thread: Will He Remember--Edited Version

For months we have planned
a joyous, festive day,
and to the family's dismay
he did not understand.

His grand daughter's would soon wed,
one tomorrow at eleven,
the other, two weeks at ten,
this was going over his head.

Bewildered, he gave it thought
anxiously wanting to speak,
surely, the weddings are next week
lowering his head, distraught.

It was this moment when we
heard his memories slowly fade,
like a shameless renegade,
that will ultimately flee.

My father, an old timer,
is losing it to Alzheimer's.
Yesterday is long ago
so we hope for tomorrow.

Will he remember how to
count to ten or write his name,
or read a book, tie his shoe,
and what land his family came?

Life is but a memory,
my hope is, it will be.

Cindy, this re-write reaches me more than the last. You provide more description and show how his Alzheimer's is affecting the family emotionally. This is gotten across very clearly whereas before it was weaker.

Here is where description serves the poem well:

Will he remember how to
count to ten or write his name,
or read a book, tie his shoe,
and what land his family came

And the visual of him lowering his head is very effective. The rhyming needs some tightening up with attention paid to meter but other than this you have a much richer poem! Laurie

Very touching, Cindy. I like this version much better also, it reached me on an emotional level where the original did not. You have definitely improved it with this edit.

Here's my two cents: I think this would make one awesome song, the rhythm of the last few stanzas just really were awesome. and I think, it'd work well as lyrics.

but as a poem. I sure do like it. =)

Thank you Laurie, Cindy and Crash_Thomas for your input. Lyrics.... hmm, that's an idea I do like.

Laurie, please expand on your comment about

the rhyming needs some tightening up with attention paid to meter.

The edit was explicit, emotional and full of an array of nicely chosen words. Permission to read again? Lol. Great work, Nellie.

This verse particularly threw my off with beat. The first and last line the real question. I read it out loud several times. I think you need to either shorten the first line or extend the fourth. I hope this is helpful.

His grand daughter's would soon wed,
one tomorrow at eleven,
the other, two weeks at ten,
this was going over his head.

A fine edit, Cindy. I'm sorry to hear of your father's plight, my Mom had Alzheimer's but passed on from other ailments before it totally took her memory. One nit, grand daughter's should be granddaughters. I have to agree with Laurie regarding the rhythm, it's off here and there, but the biggest problem lies in S2 as Laurie cited. It's a matter of stressed and unstressed syllables that are causing the problem and a few of the lines may have to be rewritten. My only other nit is "what land his family came", I kept wanting to read from what land his family came, but since no one else mentioned it, it might just be me. Those last two lines are simply to die for, sheer excellence.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks for your input, also, Lisa. I do appreciate it. I am sorry to hear of your mother's situation.

His grand daughter's would soon wed,
one tomorrow at eleven,
the other, two weeks at ten,
this was going over his head.

How is this for a re-write of S2:

His grand daughters would wed,
one tomorrow, one soon,
both beginning before noon,
and one is wearing red.

And for this stanza:

Will he remember how to
count to ten or write his name,
or read a book, tie his shoe,
and what land his family came?

change the last line to:
and play a silly game?

Cindy

Love what you did with S2, but the final line should revert to the first version, it's his not getting it that is important. May I humbly suggest, but this went over his head. Please tell me she wasn't really wearing red. Hate to be anal, but granddaughters should be joined. As for the penultimate stanza, I just meant you should add from as such "and from what land his family came", roots are much more important than whether or not he can play. Sorry for not being clear enough. I appreciate your feelings about my Mom, conversation became difficult, I kept having to repeat myself, but it was her losing our childhoods that hurt the most. Aricept slows the disease, please look into it if your Dad is not already taking it. Hope I've helped a bit.

Warmest,
Lisa

You're correct. The 1st version is better.

His granddaughter's would soon wed,
one tomorrow at eleven,
the other, two weeks at ten,
but this went over his head.

and I'll leave this stanza

Will he remember how to
count to ten or write his name,
or read a book, tie his shoe,
and from what land his family came?

Thanks for your help. Yes it is getting difficult to deal with Alzheimer's, especially for my mother since she sees him every day. They did start him on Aricept and have had to increase the dosage. This poem is based on what happened in July. One wedding was of my niece, the other, my own daughter, so my father was confused by having so many relatives coming and going in such a short time. And my daughter's wedding took place at the Renassaince Festival, so that was even more confusing for some.

Cindy, love, I think the rewrite of S2 is better, save for the last line, that was where I wanted you to revert. Aricept helps, you don't get a miracle cure, but it helps. I fully empathize with you, it's difficult to watch someone you love turn into someone else. We are our memories in my opinion, the upped dosage is necessary. Should you need to chat, you know where I am.

Oops, I typed the wrong one. What I meant was:

His granddaughters would wed
one tomorrow, one soon
both beginning before noon,
but this went over his head.