Thread: Echoes Of A Shaded Room

The waves of heat, a sick white heat, burn throughout my head
the loops that play, loop every day, to death I quickly sped
the drinks I’ve drunk, the thoughts I’ve thunk, I’d doubt it’s all alright
and just in spite, with all my might, I’ll somehow sleep at night

But when I woke, when someone spoke, when I was all alone
the bleak night speaks, and in a week, a roommate in my home
takes up no space, and leaves no waste, quite happy I assume
and all our conversations echo in my shaded room

The hallways stretch, the game of fetch, both go on forever
the jokes we play, though quite insane, are honestly quite clever
yet it’s strange, I’ve never seen , I’ve never known his face
insanity bestows upon me, a friend from empty space

Oh this is lovely. Take me into your thoughts so I can see clearer the beautiful idea that wait to be unleashed. The theme is quite intriguing anyway. To the style of poem then...


As much as I enjoyed this piece, I would kindly want to suggest a few things to you. Your lines seems to cluster together with a lot of commas here and there which in some cases were right and in the others need full stops for easy transition into the next line.

I'll try to re-structure the piece eg:

The waves of heat -
a sick, white heat -
burn in my head.
The loops that play
loop (I suggest 'gather') every day.

The other parts I hope to return to with a better scheme. Or better still, wait for a ideas from other members. Thanks for the read.

Diddler, I like the way you get across that the roommate is your thoughts. e.g.

A roommate in my home takes up no space. Wonderful!

But when I woke, when someone spoke, when I was all alone
the bleak night speaks, and in a week, a roommate in my home
takes up no space,

However, I think you could delve more into the insanity. There's so much you can do with that!

I agree with Fox concerning the structure and I will say punctuation. First you capitalize the first line of each stanza and keep the rest lower case unless you're begining a sentence. e.g.

But when I woke, when someone spoke, when I was all alone,
the bleak night speaks and in a week, a roommate in my home
taking up no space and leaves no waste, quite happy I assume
and all our conversations echo in my shaded room

This poem is surely worth a re-write. Tinker and post, if you will. Just make sure you type Edit in the title.

Laurie

Thanks for all the great advice but i don't know if i could do an edit. I'm a spur of the moment writer, usually writing the whole piece in one siting so i think any tinkering would bring down the quality. I'd rather learn from my mistakes for next time.

I like that you had your own interpretation of the poems, too.

I like that you had your own interpretation of the poems, too

Diddler, It would greatly help me improve my reviewing skills if you would explain what you had in mind. When I'm off track I'm always wanting to know what I missed. So, help me out? Very interested in your intent. Thanks, Laurie

P.S. And I understand your desire to refrain from doing a re-write. Everyone has their own way and it sounds very positive that you want to learn from one piece and then move onto another.

It's basically a whatever gets you thru the night poem. In the beginning he was in pain and alone. With schizophrenia came a friend and an end to that pain. Though many people would disagree with this and want to cure him, he's better off this way. And that's the poem!

"The hallways stretch, the game of fetch, both go on forever
the jokes we play, though quite insane, are honestly quite clever"

my favorite lines right there.

the theme is awesome and seems to me like it'd make a great short story.

Thank you Diddler for clarifying. Ah, I just re-read and see your point. Now my favorite line:

a friend from empty space

I was quite impressed with this piece, Diddler, and for what it's worth, I easily got your intentions right down to the schizophrenia. A very interesting read, indeed, and I fell in love with those internal rhymes. Since, by your own admission, you prefer not to edit but rather take on info for future endeavors, this would have been better formatted with shorter lines as Fox suggested. For the future, too many commas become a hindrance, it's better to let the line breaks do the work. I was quite taken with this piece and look forward to reading more of your work.

Best,
Lisa