Thread: I Remember

That first night we met,
that hope-filled moment
our uncertain souls reached out
for the rare comfort found
in a shared understanding
of pain.

Our thoughts were like blimps and seagulls
flowing in sync, meeting half way
as our views and emotions allowed
seeds of trust to sprout
as each of us shared pictures
of who we really were.

I remember discussing the delicate beauties
inherent in all things small and overlooked
by absorbed minds,
we agreed that Seattle had great coffee
and that love seems to be a strange metaphor
obeying no rules.

I remember looking into your eyes,
seeing a story of life and passion bearing no masks.

For one moment, everything was clear,
more alive.
Somehow brightness spoke up from inside
like never before,
my doubts about letting you in,
silenced.

I relaxed into the soft loudness of reality,
realizing that September is a spent riddle
where my pouting hydras cannot touch me.
Breathing the truths I could not see before
made me need you,
I was no longer alone on the planet.

Gentleness radiated your lips
as I nodded in time
to the symphony of assurance,
the magnetism growing
between your healing splendor
and the tethers of my heart.

You were worth your weight in rainbows.

For one moment I understood
that it was OK to grant myself perfection.




Today
I want to offer thanks for the time
you sorted out the tendrils of chaos
I used to be when my heart was a sparrow
roaming Golgotha in thirst.
Your presence now, my anchor
as my love sets the gears to guide.

Fate is a broken clock,
only wound by surrendering the burdens of doubt
we hold ourselves back with.
Allow me to be the remover of fleece
and reach into you unhindered,
as you have into me.

Thank you for showing me that a big part of living
is letting go.

-Svw

Hi, Clayman. A beautiful heartfelt poem honoring love and then the thanking for it despite it's gone. You have some striking, very rich lines:

Great similie, here.

Our thoughts were like blimps and seagulls
flowing in sync, meeting half way

Just one little line really bringing me into the couple's life

we agreed that Seattle had great coffee

Another wonderful similie. My eyes really lit up when I read this!

realizing that September is a spent riddlel

Now, at first, I thought the following was a perfect wrap-up for your poem.

For one moment I understood
that it was OK to grant myself perfection

Then realized you were going to end on a different note. I think the latter part was a bit too bottom heavy for the poem and that some editing could be employed to make your point even stronger. Here is an example of how it might be read.


For one moment I understood
that it was OK to grant myself perfection

Today, you sorted out
the tendrils of chaos
when my heart was a sparrow
roaming Golgotha in thirst.

Fate is a broken clock.
Allow me to be the remover of fleece
and reach into you unhindered,
as you have into me.

Thank you for showing me
that a big part of living
is letting go.

A very reaching poem and hope to read more! Laurie

Hey Clayman. This is a wonderful poem, full of unexpected metaphors that hold so much truth the reader is sure to find themselves saying "That is so true". You have made a cliché into something different with your language.

What I would suggest is looking further into the beat. Poems don't always hold a beat, but having a steady rhythm can really improve how a poem is read and how a reader judges a poem. You seem to have some pattern in the first part of your poem, which can stray (acceptably), but maybe you could look into being stricter with the rhythm, having a set number of syllables for each stanza.

Keep posting! You've piqued my interest now.

-Nick

Thank you all so much for reading my piece. I am glad you enjoyed it. I sometimes struggle with the beat of poetry, maybe some day I will master it . Thank you also for the suggested changes. I will definitely look into it.

What a joy to read you again, Shawn, where have you been hiding? I'm not much for love poems, but I truly enjoyed this gem. Not a single nit to these eyes, and I, personally, had no issues with the flow at all. As usual, your originality shines. I particularly loved your use of "blimps and seagulls" and "pouting hydras". One question, love, was there a breakup? I didn't think so, but Laurie may have picked up on something I missed. Truly hope you won't be such a stranger, I've missed your work.

Best,
Lisa

Hey Lisa, thanks for your great feedback, I am happy to know you enjoyed this piece, there was no breakup, it was more of a kind of attempt at expressing a side of me that has been dormant for some time, I have written about a lot of things lately but not enough of them in happiness. I am reconnecting somehow, I can feel it..

sorry for being a stranger, sometimes I am kept so busy that it is hard to let the creative side breathe the way it needs to. Hope to be more in the now.

thanks for reading!