Thread: Clutch

I've done this to myself again
this game of filth will never end
I've beaten down these mental boarders
And with this wound I'll hold no orders.

I hate this sense of worthlessness
A pain of which has grown excess
I'll never cleanse this thickened sin
It's depth has sank below the skin.

And sorrow won't good enough
Compensations won't be made
Yet time is still to further on
guiding ink of what's been drawn.

Apathy has built itself
within the walls of concious souls
I've tried my best to keep in touch
throughout this wretched game of clutch

Hello, Emily

I found the first two stanzas to flow really well ....

when moving to the third I stumbled a bit and was looking for one more syllable in the first line
to keep in keeping with the first two stanzas, but I've only read it twice, so it might just be me

I think also because of the rhyming scheme in the first two stanzas, that didn't help my expectation
of what was to come next, so in summary, the first half knocked my socks off, the second half not so

and love the title!

but take anything I say with a grain of salt and thank you for sharing your poem, kind regards ash

I have to agree with ash, Emily. The first two stanza's are good, after that it starts falling apart a bit. I think you could re-work those last stanza's and have a killer poem.

Emily Allison,


I have to agree with Ash and Gumby on this one.

Your first two stanzas are really well written, and caught my attention. The other two stanzas are hard on the brain, it goes from easy read and then straight into an iron wall. After you re-work the last two you should have a great poem!

Ah, wow. Well thank you all for your feedback! Haha, it's definitely appreciated, and I think seeing to how it's 3:1, it's safe to say I should go back and try to rephrase it a bit better. I tried working at it some a bit earlier, seems I need to expand my vocabulary. :p

If you rephrase it, post em both in that first post.
I like it. I can relate. Feels deep to me, nothing needs anything there.

FYI. - the human soul as described in the bible is the individual. It is everything that make you up in life. And perishes at death.
ps. Emily your gorgeous.

Hi, Emily. I agree with all that you have the makings of a fantastic poem. I am new to trying my hand at meter and rhyme so I'm no expert but this is what I find might be the trouble.

1) In the first stanza you rhyme the first two lines then the last two.
2) In the second stanza you rhyme every line.
3) Then in the third you rhyme only the last two lines.
4) In the fourth line, you do the same as in the third.

So, you have thee different rhyming patterns going on in what is a relatively small poem. I think too diverse for the piece to hold up, carry. If you stick to one scheme I think you'll have one suburb poem. I've found that rhyming only the last two lines is "my" personal disaster!

I just wrote a poem for a small competion and varied from my every other line pattern throughout, the last three line stana, each line rhyming. "I" think it might work because the poem is medium to longish length. But I might surely be told different!

All this coming from one who writes free verse. Only recently, I've been experimenting with this genre.

Here is a link to rhyming schemes which might help out. Good luck! Laurie

http://www.rbuhsd.k12.ca.us/~rgrow/Rhyme%20Schemes.html

Ahh, thank you for taking the time to write that, seriously. I'm a bit scatter-brained I guess, especially when it comes to writing. Numerous ocassions I tend to do this, somehow change the rhyme scheme. Thank for the feedback! I appreciate the link =]

Thank you very much. I'm definitely glad you could relate, hopefully I'll be able to make a few tweaks to improve it. Lovely feedback though, thanks. :]