Thread: Calamity

Although the sun proceeds to climb,
over every day per night,
and the moon endures to find,
an eye to share his might.
The Lord has fallen silent,
like a child of war in plight.

Should the wind cease to blow?
That we can hear his cry?
Or the mountains fall down as rubble,
so that we should not climb this high?

Would words of solemnity provide for you,
the heart to understand.
The world was never made to be,
a workshop for any man.

When the fields took bloom,
and blossomed.
Or the crab apple, grew it's first fruit.
What man would have cried out in peril,
and muttered a groaning dispute?

Well these mountains still stand tall,
in fields that continue to bloom.
Even yet there are forests and stars,
which far exceed you!

So lay down your hands,
and humble your hearts.
For the Lord is still king,
and he cares not for your Arts.

No structure however tall,
will please his loving eyes.
No writing how long,
will bring dreams to his mind.

Only treachery we bring to his Glory
when we lay down our hands.
And bring up from his World,
our devious plans.

No gold, cloth, or goods
will cover the whole.
Should we every attempt to try
that's what the Saviour was for.

I wait for the day
when He dries up those tears,
and takes justice on the Earth
and our product is wiped clear.

I liked this piece. But got no feed back. So I brought it back tot he top of the charts. [refreshed it's status]

There is a good beat in this poem that varies well throughout the piece, but be careful of some lines distracting from the beat. The second line of the fifth stanza - when read according to the beat you have laid down - can be a bit of a mouthful.

All in all, I think it starts very well, with some good uses of language (I especially love the first stanza), but by the time the beat changes at the sixth stanza, the lines seem somewhat broken and can be very distracting, and the same level of language that we adjusted to at the beginning is not applied after this point.

There are a couple grammatical errors that I'm sure you'll clean up with a comb-through.

Other that this, it's a promising piece, Thomas! I look forward to seeing some of your writing in the future. Good job!

I really enjoyed the first stanza, it flowed very nicely along. I do have to agree with SNS that it started to lose it's rhythm after that. You do have some beautiful lines here, Thomas.

Thank you Nick for your input. I tried and think I cleaned up the grammatical errors. I changed stanza 5, but only one word. I liek that stanze, it's one of my favorite. it reminds you that the lords glory has never diminished. well stanza 5 - 7

Arc, so sorry I missed you and that you were hanging out at the bottom. I've been having a few "winner days" I say, caustically! I'm glad you brought yourself up top where your words deserve to be.

I was taken in by many rich clusters of words. What a poet needs in order to paint! To organize on paper. And you've done a good job of it. Just a little tighten up, go over, concerning structure like the rest of us must. If we want to be good!

My absolute favorite. The sentiment, the way the words flow and the beat which you got down perfectly here. I'm highlighting what I fell in love with. It should be on a quote page by Arc Thomas

Would words of solemnity provide for you,
the heart to understand.
The world was never made to be,
a workshop for any man.

Good work, Arc! Laurie