Thread: Packrat

packrat

Everywhere I look I see clutter.
My joy and my pain together--
My first crush. My first heartbreak.
My awards. My admonishments.
My successes. My failures.
My dreams. My fears.
I’m aware of the problem,
a problem I could fix if I really wanted to
but I won’t.
I can't forgive.
I don't forgive.
My pride, my stubbornness in the way.
I know this mess is destructive,
but I fear change. I fear progress.
The longer I hold it, the more it has a hold of me.
I fear others seeing my mess,
so I hide what I can,
where I can.
People accept what they see on the surface.
I know the truth beneath.
As a new mess grows,
the old is still present,
waiting.
Soon, space will run out.
Secrets,
insecurities will be exposed.
I'm doing what I can--
barely managing,
baby steps.
Hi, my name is Brian,
and I am a packrat.



This one's nowhere near as finalized as I'd like it to be, so any grammar, styling, or general critiques are very welcome.

One thing that jumps out at me is the inconsistent use of capitalization and punctuation. I find it distracting me away from what you are saying. If you go through and fix that, it would read smoother to me. I also think you could trim some of the words that aren't really necessary, it would give a stronger impact to the words that you leave in.

I like the poem and what it has to say a lot.
This is actually quite sad to me on a personal level. I have a relative who fits this catagory and it's caused some serious problems in their life and the lives of those around them. Well worth working on Brian, I really do want to see the end results when you're finished working on it.

Brian, you present a very clear picture of the packrat's addiction and shame. I have a relative who's a pack rat and as a result she'll have no visitors. So like Cindy, your poem had a direct affect on me. Interesting piece as I've not read any poem of it's kind. It's a problem that people should be aware of. Bravo for bringing it out of the closet.

I have one nit. Cindy, covered the structural issues very well.

My treasures indistinguishable from my trash

I think "indistiguishable" is too large a word for this line, maybe the whole poem. It threw me off. No suggestions at this time but you might want to re-think it.

Thank you for this lucid, honest poem. Laurie

Originally Posted by Gumby

One thing that jumps out at me is the inconsistent use of capitalization and punctuation. I find it distracting me away from what you are saying. If you go through and fix that, it would read smoother to me. I also think you could trim some of the words that aren't really necessary, it would give a stronger impact to the words that you leave in.

I like the poem and what it has to say a lot.
This is actually quite sad to me on a personal level. I have a relative who fits this catagory and it's caused some serious problems in their life and the lives of those around them. Well worth working on Brian, I really do want to see the end results when you're finished working on it.

I made a few changes up above, so I hope that helped. This was the first serious poem that I wrote where I wasn't restricting myself to a set structure or rhyme scheme, so figuring out the punctuation and capitalization for me was hard.

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Brian, you present a very clear picture of the packrat's addiction and shame. I have a relative who's a pack rat and as a result she'll have no visitors. So like Cindy, your poem had a direct affect on me. Interesting piece as I've not read any poem of it's kind. It's a problem that people should be aware of. Bravo for bringing it out of the closet.

I have one nit. Cindy, covered the structural issues very well.


I think "indistiguishable" is too large a word for this line, maybe the whole poem. It threw me off. No suggestions at this time but you might want to re-think it.

Thank you for this lucid, honest poem. Laurie

The really odd thing is that when I wrote this poem, while I am a packrat, I was actually commenting on my tendency to hold on to grudges, anger, and other feelings. It was a metaphor of my emotional state, grounded in my external battle against hoarding.

First, a giant welcome to you, Brian. Your revelation that you are referring to mental clutter gives this piece different meaning. I, too, hoard hurt and such, if my house were as cluttered as my mind, it would be condemned. I see you've made some changes but there are still issues with both caps and punctuation. There is no need for caps every line, only at the beginning of sentences, and there still seems to be periods missing. Since you mean mental, you need to hint at it, and the piece is a bit light on imagery. Your chosen theme is a veritable stockpile of material for image building. Let us see your clutter. Initially I thought you were talking about real clutter so here is an example of what I mean with the clutter being actual mess.

Instead of saying treasures same as trash you could say: my prized baseball cards stacked on last week's pizza box, which shows us rather than tells us. Since it's mental clutter perhaps something like: fond memories of summers at the shore alongside bruises left by a fifth grade bully, faded but never erased. These are crap examples, but you get the gist. It would be easier to work with actual clutter as opposed to mental, so the task won't be easy. Give us snapshots of what goes on inside your head. I hope this helps, I have a hard time expressing myself so I hope I've made some sense. I agree with Laurie regarding indistinguishable, it's an unwanted speed bump. I hope I don't seem too harsh, you obviously want to learn, and while I enjoyed and got the piece as is, I believe it would be enhanced by some concrete imagery.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

First, a giant welcome to you, Brian. Your revelation that you are referring to mental clutter gives this piece different meaning. I, too, hoard hurt and such, if my house were as cluttered as my mind, it would be condemned. I see you've made some changes but there are still issues with both caps and punctuation. There is no need for caps every line, only at the beginning of sentences, and there still seems to be periods missing. Since you mean mental, you need to hint at it, and the piece is a bit light on imagery. Your chosen theme is a veritable stockpile of material for image building. Let us see your clutter. Initially I thought you were talking about real clutter so here is an example of what I mean with the clutter being actual mess.

Instead of saying treasures same as trash you could say: my prized baseball cards stacked on last week's pizza box, which shows us rather than tells us. Since it's mental clutter perhaps something like: fond memories of summers at the shore alongside bruises left by a fifth grade bully, faded but never erased. These are crap examples, but you get the gist. It would be easier to work with actual clutter as opposed to mental, so the task won't be easy. Give us snapshots of what goes on inside your head. I hope this helps, I have a hard time expressing myself so I hope I've made some sense. I agree with Laurie regarding indistinguishable, it's an unwanted speed bump. I hope I don't seem too harsh, you obviously want to learn, and while I enjoyed and got the piece as is, I believe it would be enhanced by some concrete imagery.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure if I want to really dig that deeply into my past.

I changed that section to this:

My joy and my pain together--
My first crush. My first heartbreak.
My awards. My admonishments.
My successes. My failures.
My dreams. My fears.

Is that better or do you actually think memories would be better.
Should I do something more like

My award from band
for most improved.
My first report card with a C,
and my mom's look of disgust and disappointment.
My close friendship with my first love,
and the knife in my back when my friend stole her away.

Good Lord, I apologize Brian, being the numbskull that I am, I neglected to realize I was asking you to delve into painful stuff. I'm in the middle of ripping my kitchen apart and just popped in while I take five, don't have the mindset to be of much help at the moment. Personally, I prefer the actual memories, (I like the way you have them flipping back and forth) but it may also work the other way. Leave it up to me to start something I can't finish. I've asked Laurie (SilverMoon) to pop over when she has a moment because she is much more proficient at explaining things than I am. I just should have kept my big mouth shut and I'm sorry for driving you nuts. The edit you've done makes it clear that's it mental, which is great, but the insertion is still telly, perhaps the actual memories would be better in its stead. I need to think on this, hon, I'll be back as soon as possible, hopefully Laurie will pop in with her two cents by the time I get back. You're going in the right direction, though, you get an A+ for effort.

Hi, Brian. Now, when I read your first draft I did think you were talking about material things, abounding, not cerebral clutter. I see that Lisa has led you into the right direction and your effort is applaudable. It gives us something to work with. A much more "connecting" read than the first.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure if I want to really dig that deeply into my past

I have the exact same issue with my writing. I don't want to "nail down" the gorey issues. But you can get across the "essence" of it all with imagery. Here is where you don't have to tell. Get "into it". The raw stuff, if you know what I mean.

Use of imagery is the very best tool for "showing" us what you mean to say. It brings us to "your" world rather than looking at it from a far clinical distance. If you don't mind, I'll show you what I might have written based on your information and I'll be using creative license. A mentor, here, worked with me the same way and I learned much from his examples. He showing me imagery and mechanics that could better my work. OK. First stanza as example:

It's the clutter I collect in this curious mind. You've already got a good alliteration here.
Joy and pain seesawing, up then down, the ground of my soul input of rhyme "up and down" then "ground"
And you, my first love and heartache are the dishes I cannot wash. figure of speech known as "anthropormorphism".
What of my awards, admonishments?
They are buried beneath this pile,
the cloth of my conditioning, undeserving. I'm just projecting here. An image. I don't know if you feel this way.

I see my failures and fears in a cracked mirror
I refuse to through away.

My dreams and successes
are tossed near a window,
ready for flight

I’m aware of the problem.
Too many things jamed in one brain.
I could really fix it if I wanted to.
But I won’t let go
of the pain. the major thing you won't let go of that remains in the room of your mind.

So, without the "annotations" it would read like this:

Packrat

It's the clutter I collect
in this curious mind,
joy and pain seesawing,
up then down, the ground of my soul.
And you, my first love and heartache,
are the dishes I cannot wash.

What of my awards, admonishments?
They are buried beneath this pile,
the cloth of my conditioning, undeserving.

I see my failures and fears in a cracked mirror
I refuse to throw away.

My dreams and successes
are tossed near a window,
ready for flight.

I’m aware of the problem.
Too many things jamed in one brain.
I could really fix it if I wanted to.
But I won’t let go
of the pain.


Brian, I just wanted to show you how powerful imagery can be. I would love to see a re-write. Try finding your own words. Mine are just a template for you to follow. I think you've got real talent and potential for evolving. When you've molded your piece and find yourself ready to post it again just make sure you include "Edit" in your title. I'm anxious to read what you'll do with this! I hope I don't have to wait too long.

I hope I've been of some help. Fondly, Laurie

Hey, Brian! I like where you're going with this I tend to have clutter problems, too...and I think I know where the 'baby steps' line came from. It's a good premise, using the physical clutter as a metaphor for the emotional clutter. I understand your sensitivity to going too deeply into painful things and hurting yourself to do it.

Perhaps framing the metaphor more strongly would help. I'm not primarily a poet but I'll give you a suggestion for how to go about it:

Everywhere I look I see clutter.
My joy and my pain together--
My first crush. My first heartbreak.
My awards. My admonishments.
My successes. My failures.
My dreams. My fears.
I’m aware of the problem,
a problem I could fix if I really wanted to

Taking this first part, maybe instead of saying something like 'my joy and my pain together' you can think of an object that ties those two things together (eg. a tattered photo album stamped with heart stickers, a china bird that had been a gift from someone you lost) something that helps to encapsulate the kind of 'joy and pain' you're talking about.

Same with the other things here, the crush, the heartbreak, the awards...if you use the wording well and select an item that someone else can easily identify with in the same way (crushes, heartbreaks, awards, admonishments, etc. are common in human experience) then they'll be able to feel the things in your poem intensely.

I think that's where I'd start with a rewrite. I'll leave it to the more accomplished poets to help you from there. I do hope to see further development of this, though.

Hi Brian, I'm sure you're now feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed. Believe me, we've all been there. And we all understand exactly what you mean when you say you aren't sure you want to dig that deeply into your past. You've been given some excellent advice and examples here for where to take this, when you are ready to do so. Sometimes just putting a piece away for a while and then returning to it later, can help clarify things. This is your personal poem, and only you can write it.

We are all metaphorically, cleaning out our closets when we write about these kinds of things. If the feeling is too heavy for you, then maybe you can inject some humorous metaphor to help you get across your meaning. Play around with it and try different approaches. Some may not feel right to you, others will. When you find that right combination you will feel it. Then re-post it, if you like. We will all be more than happy to give you our opinions and feedback. That is what we are all here for, to tell each other what is and what isn't working for us, as readers.

cheers!

It's not so much that I don't want to include the imagery, but most of my painful memories don't stem from physical items. They stem from dreams that were trampled when I was young, from ideas that I was too afraid to talk about. The stuff that I'm holding on to that I'm talking about here are in no way physical. That's why I'm having difficulty with trying to add the imagery.

I certainly understand, Brian. You're not dealing with a "tangible". It's about the "stuff" in your mind. What if you kept the imagery real simple to begin with because it "is" crucial to writing a fleshed out poem that will capture people's attention. Maybe you could write "My thoughts are like a storm" When you use "like" or "as" you are creating a "Similie" a basic figure of speech. A good starting point for imagery.

Cindy had a good idea. That you might tuck this away for awhile. I would say "only" if you don't want to re-work this now. You might decide to begin a fresh poem, maybe not as complicated as your theme because you did tackle a biggie! It would be a challenge for me to take on this theme. But you have talent and I am anxious to hear more from you. Go and try a simple theme and we can take it from there. What do you think?

Examples of imagery "away from the concrete physical" (Similies)

"My thoughts are like a storm"
"My heart is like a waste land"
"My voice is as sad as broken record"

I would suggest making a list of all the Simlies you can think of. You'll surprise yourself!

Here is a link to Similies. The page also includes examples of Metaphors. Take a look but I would concentrate on the Simlies.

http://www.colorwize.com/BODYColorwize.html

Good luck! Laurie

Cindy summed up everything brilliantly. You must forgive our enthusiasm, when we see potential, we swoop in, sometimes not realizing we're overwhelming. This is your piece, and what you do with it is your decision. To be honest, with the edit you've done, I think the piece stands well as is, but if you should decide to edit again sometime in the future, Laurie's suggestion of generalization is a sound one. It's a great way to avoid delving into intimate details. In any case, you have the "knack" and are a welcome addition to our community. Hopefully our suggestions will assist you with future works, and I hope you'll be posting again soon. Again, I apologize for stirring up such a hubbub and I pray I haven't done more harm than good.

Best,
Lisa

Lol. i liked it. especially the end. Hi.
have to say i've never understood fearing change.. But I sure enjoy to keep the memories safe.
what we need is to change back ahahahahha.