Thread: Darkness Looms

Darkness looms in my heart. Darkness looms in my heart oh how the deep sorrow is taking me over. Why won’t you let me be darkness? Darkness looms in my heart since the death of thee Sister Adams and sister reed. Please just let me be. Darkness oh darkness set me free. Darkness looms in my heart. Darkness is all around me. Oh how I long to be free. Darkness surrounds me even in the light of day. Don’t let me stray into the darkness of my life. Darkness looms in my heart and it’s tearing me apart. Oh how I how I grieve because of the darkness that looms in my heart. Darkness oh darkness won’t you let me be. Darkness, darkness let me be.

no comments i guess

Oh no! I can't imagine there hasn't been any comment alongside your poem. Well, I will share my thoughts with you on your poem.

A sad moment for the poem's author is played out here. I get that because your elegant imagery was geared at that. I'll make a few suggestions and I hope you won't mind my doin' so:

Your lines were clustered together. The excessive use of 'darkness' in the piece could be trimmed also by using 'it' or 'your'. Personify the darkness by using words like:

Your opaque curtain shrouds me,
it taunts the courage that rises with each breath...


By doing so, you connect more with your reader(s) on how you feel about this darkness.

Thanks for the read. I appreciate your unchained expression of poetry.


Fox.

It's a bit hard to read as it is Cassie. Even just spreading it out in stanza's will make it an easier read, and foxryder has given good advice, try cutting some of the 'darkness' words out as the repetition of the word is diluting the strength of what the other words are saying.


Darkness looms in my heart.
Darkness looms in my heart
oh how the deep sorrow
is taking me over.

Why won’t you let me be darkness?
Darkness looms in my heart
since the death of thee
Sister Adams and sister reed.
Please just let me be.

Darkness oh darkness set me free.
Darkness looms in my heart.
Darkness is all around me.
Oh how I long to be free.

Darkness surrounds me
even in the light of day.
Don’t let me stray into
the darkness of my life.

Darkness looms in my heart
and it’s tearing me apart.
Oh how I how I grieve
because of the darkness
that looms in my heart.

Darkness oh darkness
won’t you let me be.
Darkness, darkness let me be.

okay thank you for your comments