Thread: Vanilla Memories 2nd edit

removed

Cindy, such beautiful sadness with wording light and melancholy yet with a driving force.

It's difficult to choose a favorite line or groupings, here, but I did especially take to:

I left them here
to keep them safe,
when freudian trips
can't heal the waif.

When the freudian trips
can't heal the waif.

I must say I relate to this, thinking back on my childhood.

This one I'll be reading over again. Thank you, Cindy. Laurie

Hi Cindy,

A poem written with such impact and ingeniousness.
My favorite part is:

breathe the sweet
vanilla scent
of life

Hey gumbster, I'm suggesting a little restructuring which I feel adds urgency.
You like?


Who came to steal
my childhood dreams?
I'd only glanced away
it seems.

I left them there
to keep them safe,
when freudian trips
couldn't heal the waif;
to wallow deep
in warm embrace,
gently press them
to my face-
breathe the sweet
vanilla scent
of life
before my youth was spent.

Who came to steal
my childhood dreams?
I'd only glanced away
it seems.

Thanks Laurie and Cindy. I'm glad this worked for you both.

J.R. thanks so much for looking this over, too. I think you're right in that it does add an urgency to it. I like the repeat, I never would have considered it. It does add a whole other level of feeling. Thanks! I do like.

Fluid writing. Sad though but the effect it leaves on the reader is life-encompassing. Thanks for the read. Fox.

Thank you Foxryder, appreciate your thoughts here. I do believe J.R.'s suggestions have improved it. Glad you enjoyed.

You already know how much I adore this one, Cindy, but I forgot to tell you that "when freudian trips couldn't heal the waif" is positively stellar. You've brilliantly captured the longing to return to the time before things went belly up that I know I'd trade a kidney to be able to revisit. Still would have preferred chocolate, though.

Thank you Lisa, I'm partial to chocolate myself. Dark chocolate.

Touche, big time. That's Cindy two, Lisa, zip. Perhaps I should forfeit. Thanks, love, I needed that.

The Intro and conclusion are Art at it's finest.
Who came to steal
my childhood dreams?
I only glanced away
it seems.
That hits emotion. I know exactly the feeling your driving with it. The rest si wonderful too, but fallowing the metaphors if that is the intent is difficult. for me.. Wonderful.

Thank you ArcThomas, I'm glad you enjoyed it.