Thread: Within

Hey There everyone this poem is much more complex than my last in my opinion. Once again feel free to comment and add any constructive criticism. Thanks, Zac!

Within
Disaster strikes, cancer bites
Into young innocent skins
Deadened senses prevail
Defense in constant retreat.

The marrow finally fails
The mind accepts defeat
Inside the whitewashed cell
I lie in loneliness.

Ignorant of the raging hell
From the strength of darkness
The window displays a sight
The setting of Apollo's chariot.

Not going down without a fight
Resisting the night sky's visit
The cell door opens
She comes in quietly.

And my mind re-opens
My heart moves gently
When the door closes
And I'm locked again.

I'm left with roses
She left with the pain
The hope returns
Throughout the soul.

The brain again governs
And my strength is whole
Perhaps my fight is vain
My courage may be fake.

Cancer in every vein
And my life it may take
But like the sun and its reign
And everyday it remains
I will resist the pain
Until death I obtain.

Hi LostBoy, and welcome.

You really have picked an emotional subject for this poem and there are some very good lines and images here. I think that you should trim it up some. Give your words more room to breath and have an impact on your reader. You can help do this by breaking it into stanza's and adding punctuation to help the reader know where to pause. Punctuation can also help you put emphasis where you want it. This is very much worth putting the extra effort into shaping.

Hello Gumby and thanks for the welcome! Yes I have picked an emotional topic considering it relates very well to a certain point in my life right now. As for the poem I appreciate the advice and I will be sure to work on that! Once again, Thanks!

Zac, Gumby gave you all the great structural advice so I'll add a little bit about your content. "Within" is the perfect title as you do explore your inner world, as you referred to, complexly. Plenty of dark images, then at the end an unresigning hope which made me smile.

But like the sun and its reign
And everyday it remains
I will resist the pain
Until death I obtain.

Keep up the good work. I see progress! Laurie

Thanks Laurie! That's the idea I was going for so I'm glad you saw it! Of course I will! Zac.