Thread: Drinking Tonight

I'm drinking tonight-
sloppy and smiling,
pleasant and pliable-
Just the way you like me.

your avatar is like unscrambling teenage puberty through adult channels

Thanks, I think. I'm sure I'll get reprimanded if it's too adult. It's one of the few pictures that I like of myself though.

It's not very subtle, is it? To make it a better poem, first, change the title. It is wasted as is since it repeats the first line (more or less) and one should be economic with space. A title that lightly brushes upon the meaning of the poem would possibly suit better. You want something that will jump-start the reader into thinking down the correct path. Second, cut the last line, which bludgeons the reader over the head with the "point", as it were. You'll have a much better poem after these things are done.

the remark about the title/first line is spot on.

Agreed that the title is lazy. I'm quite fond of the last line though, not sure that exact intent would have dawned upon me if it wasn't there... but then how about retitling it to just that line, like this:


Just the way you like me.

I'm drinking tonight-
sloppy and smiling,
pleasant and pliable-


And btw I love your pic. - Refreshing instead of all those fictive alter egos around here...

This would work better for me if it was a more open point of view. This could be accomplished by just removing the word "I'm" from the beginning and "me" from the end. "I'm" is a harsh sounding word and removing it sounds a bit more like you've already begun to drink. However, the length feels right with "I'm" still on, so I'm kind of on the fence with my suggestion. I agree with the previous suggestion to use the last line as a title. It's a bit blunt for the ending, but I said, "Oh. Hmm." when I read it. It puts a little edge that is needed in the piece, so leaving it off altogether doesn't work for me.

Cool how much it says in so few words.

Just the way you like.

drinking tonight-
sloppy and smiling,
pleasant and pliable-

vangogh's variation on Martin's suggestion is spot on imo.

You say a lot with just a few words. The implied story is very much evident. I like van and Martin's suggested tweaks.

Thank you all. I do like the suggestion of making the last line the title.

I also agree with the title suggestion. This is a clever tidbit that imparts a great deal. Well done.