Thread: Body of work

I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. But an hour ago I was eating breakfast, hot to get back to work after computer outages and some sort of psychic slump... and a damn poem flits in the window.




BODY OF WORK
by Linton Robinson

it’s not the big Kodak scenes that really maim
and sustain
the true haunts are quick glimpses
stirred at random
memos mori, messages in waiting
calls on hold

in the midst of rote midbrain tasks
they invest and invade
there’s your close-up, your blood puddled
on your flexed thigh
sound over: your laughs at my shock
then growls

plaid curtain teased up on a bush shot
the flash in the alley
daring me to come deeper, come longer
come clean
right here against this dumpster
plain sight

i don’t need to close my eyes
to see you falling
as lank and boneless as in your sleep
as when cradled
but falling all the way that time
to land far out of reach

i always knew you were a teaser
sweet trailer trash
now playing near me, coming attraction
the last big lie
these beckoning ambushes should be buried
not you
let me cut off my line, cancel my subscription
delete my accounts
because it’s not you
it’s not you
it’s just me

lin, an expert piece. It was a joy to dig into. You don't insult the reader's intelligence with too much information but just enough for one linger for a while, forming their own elucidations.

You rip off those Kodak board signs and bring us straight to the belly of the beast. e.g.The true haunts are the glimpses (one of many lines I happen to love) and we know what's coming. I hear the "real deal" from the dark side, you, creating a dreamy, nightmarish quality. To point, S2,S3 There's your close up, your blood puddle. And plainly, face yourself for who you really are.

In S3,S1 plaid curtain teased up on a bush shot...you speak of a prostitute, which might have a greater meaning, representation. Nevertheless, you brought me there. The only nit I have is you describing the "plaid" curtain. Almost too quaint, standing out from the texure of this piece. I would just leave it at "curtain" or some other less pretty description.

Now, I'm assuming we're away from the prostitute, you describing some other woman. I will say that there's too much obsurity, here. If I'm correct the two women need some kind of bridge between them. Too much a blur as it stands.

i don’t need to close my eyes
to see you falling

i always knew you were a teaser
sweet trailer trash

In the end, you take away blame away from this "other" of his, maybe the world, admitting it's all about his persepctive on life.

because it’s not you
it’s not you
it’s just me

I think a truly great poem. The rich language rolls down the page. Thank you for the pleasure. Laurie

Oops. Should be "PLAID curtain" and thus hopefull away from 'ho and more towards schoolgirl.

Thanks very much for your comments, Silver

Humm. School girl. Even more powerful.

Young, anyway. Or possibly Scottish I suppose

Do I hear bag pipes? But upon second thought, I think you need another subtle hint that we're talking about a school girl. Perhaps fit in "golden" (innocence) something of the sort in context to bring youth into the picture which would make the scene even more intense, decadent. "Just" the "plaid cover" escaped me entireley. I kept thinking of a kitchen curtain. Now I get "teased" but I think that could throw allot of readers off. Again, another thought. "Curtain" indicates "cover" and there's no concealing going on! Maybe, a less familiar word. And I think thowing in "pleated" is a good idea. Then you have the slight image of a Catholic girl. Having been a Catholic girl, I know about the uniform, for too long.. Now, I can't get Zappa out of my head!

pleated plaid swath up over a bush shot,
the golden flash in the alley
daring me to come deeper, come longer
come clean
right here against this dumpster,
plain sight

Originally Posted by lin

Young, anyway. Or possibly Scottish I suppose

Go for the Irish girls. They got that porcelain skin that is oh so hot.

Didn't fancy you for a poet, Lin, and I'm no judge of good rhymes, but props for doing something I could never bring myself to.

This is good. Gritty and a bit scary.

i don’t need to close my eyes
to see you falling
as lank and boneless as in your sleep
as when cradled
but falling all the way that time
to land far out of reach

I agree with SilverMoon that the above stanza seems like it has switched to thoughts of a different woman. It seems like he is working through some guilt or a painful event that could have brought him act out as described.

I agree again with Laurie that adding "pleated" to plaid is a good way to enhance your image of a schoolgirl.

Not bad at all, Lin. Liked it.

I didn't get a feeling of two women from this, just the one. I did enjoy it, Lin, gritty and a bit sad for sure. Full of regret and haunted memories. Good job!

Thanks very much, guys